Seventy-Ninth Episode – Trangenderfied in North Carolina

nc welcomes y'allScene:  In the basement of the Capital building in Raleigh, a group of very well-known and powerful politicians and influential citizens are seated around a table large enough to accommodate those present.  The meeting was called hurriedly because of the immediate, negative reactions from all over America concerning newly-passed laws discriminating against transgendered individuals.  All present were especially concerned about the financial implications of treating transgendered people like blacks were treated in the state just fifty years ago.  We join the meeting in progress . . .

Elmer:  This is serious business.  I mean losing business ‘cause we passed a law that treats these queers differently than you and me treat each other has businesses in an uproar!business watching you

Jimmy Tate:  We don’t need no Yankee businesses withdrawin’ jobs from our state!  We got plenty in the Carolinas, you know, like tourist stuff, fishin’ . . . that sort of stuff.

Benny Lee:  Are you nuts?  This is the modern age of technology. If Microhard, Yaboo, an’ a big bank don’t want to come down here, we’re screwed!  I think we should just kinda’ not act on that there law and keep quite ‘bout the whole thing, everyone will just forget about it.  You know ‘bout the ‘tension span of the typical ‘Merican; it ain’t all that great.

HastertIda May:  I got a better idea.  What we do is actschly come up with a plan to deal with this thing.  You know,  tell the whole, wide world that what we’re a’gonna’ do is station officers or maybe even civilians who would work for free outside’a every gulldern restroom to check who sees comin’ in an’ comin’ out.  Sure as Dixie we gonna’ find a shoot load’a folks who’d work for free to keep those queers from goin’ in to the right place!

Elmer:  But how do we diff-wrench-ate which one is a man, which one is a woman an’ which one is a combo of those two?

Benny Lee:  Simple.  We check their ID.  If their ID says female, we direct ‘em to the female one.holy shit penis

Jimmy Tate:  What if the woman looks like a man even though he or she got’a ID that says she’d born with a cunt ‘stead of a dick?  ‘Scuse me, Ida May.  I didn’t mean to use that kind’a language in front of a Southern lady like you.

Ida May:  You ain’t said anythin’ I ain’t heard before.  “Member!  I own and operate a bunch of saloons.  God!  I hated back in ’64 when they let them darkies in my joints.  You should’a seen my business go down after that happen.

Jimmy Tate:  Back to the business at hand, if y’all don’t mind.  This whole thing seems unworkable.  By the way, anyone here have a queer of some kind in yer fam-ly?

Ida May:  Not that I’d ‘mit to.

gays deserve betterElmer:  I had a daughter who thought she was gay, but we sent her to one of those places that talks them into bein’ what God made them out to be from the beginnin’.  Unfortunately, she committed sue-side shortly thereafter.  I guess all you heard ‘bout that.

Benny Lee:  I thought some nigger kilt her an’ got away.  You mean what they said in the paper was untrue?

Elmer:  Sure ‘nuff.  My lawyer said we could not collect on her insurance if her death was listed as’a sue-side.  Y’all know what kind of connections I got in this state.  It was easy as hell to get the editor an’ chief o’ police to tell folks some darkie did it an’ they never found him.

Ida May:  OK. Since y’all don’t seem to like my idea, what else can we do to keep them damn Yankees from makin’ fun of us an’ not come down here, spendin’ their money?

Benny Lee:  It’s more than them damn Yankees an’ their lib-ral papers we got to worry ‘bout, Lynch 2you know.

Elmer:  Yep.  That—‘scuse the term black lady–‘Terny General in that Muslim’s cab’nit is goin’ after us like a bass goin’ after a silver spoon lure.

Jimmy Tate:  I don’t use no silver spoon.  ‘Got better luck with live worms.

Elmer:  Any who, we either got’a figure a way out’a this or come up with a plan that seems sort’a humane and won’t get the Feds a’comin’ down here issuin’ sup-peenas to us an’ such; an’ takin’ way our school money.

scopes trialIda May:  What kind’a lawyers we got defendin’ us?

Benny Lee:  Two of ‘em are direct decend-ants of the ones who persecuted the Scopes Monkey Trial in the 20’s.  An’ you know how success-fil those guys were back then.

Elmer:  Look Benny Lee, times are’a changin’ as the song from that Jew folk singer goes.  This ain’t no Monkey Trial, even though some of those queers sure look like monkeys.

Ida May:  It’s really spooky when you see a guy who’s surely a man with a five ‘clock shadow ‘n dressed up like he’s some sort’a girl.

Jimmy Tate:  You got that when you say some sort’a girl.male transvestite

Benny Lee:  How come we never had’a deal with this here ‘sit-cha-ation before?  I don’t ‘member no guys a’lookin’ an’a dressin’ like girls when I was a kid!

Ida May:  They were there, my Momma told me, but they kep ‘em hidden in the closet like queers did a few years ago ‘till they got lib’rated.

Elmer:  Do yuh think these creatures will b‘come liberated an’ all someday?

Linus and confed flagJimmy Tate:  Sure as the Gov’ner of South Carolina was forced to take down our flag!

Jimmy Tate:  Y’all know what’s really sickenin’?  A lot of these queers act-schly got both tits an’a dick!  They don’t know what the hell they are!

Elmer:  Which brings us back to the ‘riginal question:  What the hell do we do?  We can’t let those lib-ral companies from the north withdraw from our state or not come down here at all ‘cause of this sich-a-way-shun.

Ida May:  I say we stand our ground like General Lee at Pickett’s Charge!Robert Lee

Elmer:  He lost, y’know.

Ida May:  Well, ‘least he went down fightin’!

Elmer:  I say we relent.  Y’know, just let things be.  Who the hell came up with this idea that this was’a problem in the first place?  I don’t know anyone who was attacked by a trans . . . what do you call ‘em?

Benny Lee:  I think you ‘fer to ‘em as transgenderfied or somethin’ like that.

trans 3lmer:  As I was sayin’, do any of you know of a transgenderfied queer a’tackin’ a little girl in the bathroom, fer instance?

Jimmy Tate:  Can’t say as I do . . . but . . . but . . . my Momma told me once that Uncle Henry—a man of the highest order of manliness—was seen suckin’ the you-know-what of a guy over at the gas station’s shit house.

Ida May:  Dis-gust-tin!

Elmer:  More dis-gust-tin than one of those transwhatevers doing somethin’ immoral?

Ida May:  It’s all a violation of God’s law!  And y’all know ‘bout the Book of Leviticus, don’t y’all?  Here.  I’ll open up my Old Testa-mint an’ read it to y’all . . .god hates fags

 

2013: “‘If a man has sexual relations with a man as one does with a woman, both of them have done what is detestable. They are to be put to death; their blood will be on their own heads.”

 

Elmer:  Now, we can’t put to death a queer for doin’ queer stuff!  This is the twenty-first cent-schry, y’all know.

Ida May:  But God’s laws should still apply.

stoning to deathBenny Lee:  So, Ida, when’s the last time you stoned to death a queer?

Ida May:  I’ll take the fifth ‘mendment on that one if y’all don’t mind.

Elmer:  We’re getting’ no-where here.

We leave the meeting as nothing has been Jim crowdecided on what to do about the law to be enacted in North Carolina which deals unmercifully with transgendered people in the state. It seems that Southern Hospitality doesn’t apply in this case, as it didn’t during the time of Jim fucked up everythingCrow Laws.  Possibly, we’ll have to wait for the evolutionary process to take place in the Confederate States before the citizens accept those unlike them as equals. But since there’s reluctance all throughout the South to teaching the evolutionary process in their schools, the future down there doesn’t look all that bright for the transgenderfied.

 

 

 

 

Seventy-Eighth Episode – The Shocker of 2016!

Author’s Note:  To my fans and disparagers alike, I’d like to say the reason I haven’t added an episode for over a month is because my wife died on December 4.  At this point, I’m still reeling from this horrible episode in my life, but I’ve discovered recently that writing these episodes are an escape from the grief I’ll be feeling for quite some time.  No matter what your political persuasion, I hope that all of you with a spouse will take the time to express appreciation of him or her as I have of my wife throughout our marriage.

Scene:  After the final debate for the Presidency of the United States between the Neocon and Bagger nominee, Ronald Grump, and Pillory Wintun, representative of the Other Party, after the grumppanel of moderators have shut down their microphones, but before the audience gets up from their chairs and the nominees head toward each other for perhaps their final handshake of their lives . . . Ronald Grump raises his hands Hillary 2above his head. Of course, the entire audience, the moderators, and Pillory Wintun stop what they are doing and look directly in silence at the man who has proved conclusively that anyone with the proper Constitutional credentials can run for and perhaps become the president.

The technicians hurriedly signal the moderators to fire up their microphones.  The mics attached to each of the podiums are reenergized.  The entire auditorium of fifty-thousand people all stand in dead silence, some with jaws dropped, others—mainly Grumpaudiance supporters—have wide smiles on their faces, anticipating that anything their hero might utter will be to their liking.  Most of his admirers extend their arms with palms drawn together in anticipation that they will clap enthusiastically for anything—no matter how absurd to the average human being—their champion says will be immediately spatted.

Now that the room is so quite one can hear the proverbial pin drop, Grump taps the microphone in front of him, making sure it is live.  He then expresses perhaps the most serious look on his face since accusing most Mexicans who cross the border of being rapists, thieves and child molesters.

Trump 2 He speaks . . .

Ladies and gentlemen,  Madam Secretary, all of you marvelous moderators who, by the way,  have done an excellent job tonight with your questioning, I want to admit to all of you—especially the vicious base of the Neocon and Bagger Party who have been so loyal to me over the last several months . . . (at this point, some of his supporters catch the word vicious as he obviously applied it to them and get wide-eyed looks on their faces) . . . I want to admit to everyone in this room, everyone across the entire planet who are now watching me speak, that my campaign has been a total fraud . . . (a look of confusion and murmuring engulfs the entire auditorium) . . . Yes!  It’s been a total fraud; I have never been the person I presented to you during this campaign from my declaration to run for president right up until the last word was said during this debate between me and the marvelous Mrs. Clintun . . . (at the mention of the word marvelous in connection to his heretofore sworn enemy in the campaign, Grump supporters begin looking at each other with amazement and disbelief) . . . My purpose all along during the primaries—which I wontrump again handily as I expected—my purpose in being as boisterous and obnoxious . . . my purpose in lying through my teeth . . . my purpose in using, at best, anecdotal evidence to make a false claim . . . my purpose in denigrating Mexicans, Muslims and ugly woman, was to show the entire world just what the Neocon and Bagger Party—particularly the Bagger base, but also the vicious, cowardly Neocons who love war but refuse to fight in them—that there’s an sizeable element in the electorate who are either incredibly gullible, stupid and greedy . . . perhaps all three qualities . . . (now there are wide smiles on the faces of the supporters of the Other Party members in the audience, while looks of unmistakable amazement and anger cross the mugs of Neocon and Bagger Party members and supporters) . . . Look!  Didn’t it occur to you cretins who just loved me for every bad thing I’ve said about the Other Party and their members—especially Madam Secretary and her husband, who, by the way, came to my last wedding—every evil thing I’ve said about Muslims and Mexicans that you examine what I said earlier in my career?  I mean, I thought Social Security was great!  I mean, I always said up until I started lying that all working riotAmericans were grossly underpaid.  I mean, I was, for lack of a better term, a flaming liberal except when it came to taking advantage of my adversaries in the financial world; there I took all of those clowns to the cleaners because I hated the way they treated the working stiff;  I hated the fact that they were even more greedy than me! (Grump supporters start manhandling their way through the rest of the audience, shoving and kicking everyone who, to them, looked like a liberal or a Clintun supporter.  Mayhem is the only word to describe the scene as it is all recorded for posterity.  Security forces simply move out of the aisles since they knew they couldn’t control the violent exit of the maddening crowd of Baggers and Neocons unless they open fire with their weapons, The liberals—that is, those who weren’t being accosted by Baggers and Neocons—were applauding).

All the while, Madam Secretary stood with her arms crossed, staring at Ronald Grump as he continued with his tirade about the man he was . . . and still was.  A smile and yet a look of confusion hillarycrosses her face as she contemplates just what she is witnessing.  Is this all a Grump-style charade?  If so, why is he saying these things?  Could this be some sort of ploy; some sort of perverse humor to win friends and influence enemies?

The moderators were all busy on their smart phones, alerting their stations and channels of what was taking place before their very eyes.  One moderator, who manages to signal one of the cameramen who obviously preferred to keep his device aimed squarely at Grump, relents and begins to record the moderator’s words . . .

reporter Ladies and gentlemen—if you’re still with us and I don’t know why you wouldn’t be—what we are witnessing is one of the most amazing things I’ve seen in the history of politics in this country!  Apparently, the Neocon and Bagger candidate, Ronald Grump, has just confessed that he’s been a fraud and has told outright lies to the media and to his supporters ever since he proclaimed his run for the presidency!  Apparently . . . well, I don’t know what this will ultimately do as far as the election is concerned . . . (the television networks who were recording this event switch to a hastily-assembled panel of political experts from both sides of the spectrum) . . .

Seated at a table with moderators and politicians from both sides of the politicalLeslie spectrum are Kriss Spittle, Kay Jello,  Hari Iquitarod, and Theodore Ruze, the candidate most everyone in the Bagger contingent of their Party thought would defeat Grump in the primaries leading up to the Convention.

The moderator is Leslie Dillydally, one of the hosts of the popular-among-old-folks show, 44 Minutes.

Dillydally:  So, gentlemen and ladies, what could possibly going on here?  You first Kay.

Jello:  I think he’s just lost it.  He knew that he lost everyone of those debates that he and Pillory since they started a few months ago.  He’s just trying to save face; you know sort of exit with a big bang. I definitely think he’s contemplating selling a whole lot of books . . .

Dillydally:  Possibly.  What about you, Governor Iquitarod?

Iquitarod:  Like Kay—who I hate with a passion but somehow agree with her this time—I think this is all about selling books.  You know, like I did when I had my moment of fame on the national level.

Spittle (speaking out of turn as he usually does on his own show):  TheMatthews guy’s obviously a coward . . . or he’s obviously the biggest flimflam artist the world has ever known.  I think he had this planned from the very beginning.  He saw dollar signs in his eyes when he came up with this scheme.

Dillydally: What about you, Senator Ruze?  Don’t you feel sort of angry about this development since it was probably you who would have benefitted if Grump would have revealed this information before he won all those primaries?

Ted Cruz as Joseph McCarthyRuze:  As the Constitution says, whenever an event like this takes place during a political contest, a Convention could be convened to dismiss someone like Grump for being an imposter . . .

Dillydally:  Where does it say that in the Constitution?

Ruze:  I’ll quote you exactly . . . just as soon as someone hands me a copy of that sacred document . . .

Jello:  Here’s one, Mr. Ruze (she produces a small booklet of the Constitution to him).

Ruze: That’s Senator Ruze to you, Ms. Jello!

Dillydally: Would you please find that Amendment or whatever in the Constitution which applies to what you said, Senator Ruze?

At this point in the gathering, the producers suddenly cut from the discussion to the auditorium where the debate took place.  What appears to be a member of the audience has a microphone in his hand and is addressing the camera.

Look all you liberals and other panty-wasted, cowardly Other Party guys out there, this isImage6 nothing but a joke being told by Ronald Grump, the next President of the United States!

At that point, the microphone is grabbed from his hands and another audience member starts shouting in front of the camera.

This isn’t a joke, you ignorant bastard!  Your candidate is obviously telling the truth!  He was a liberal not too long ago, and now he’s announcing that right now!  You were taken to the cleaners, you jerk!

With the mention of the word jerk, the Bagger who originally wielded the mic grabs it out of the hand of the Other Party member and commences to beat him over the head with it.  Other audience members join in the may lay!  The entire auditorium becomes fight scene right out of a major movie which will probably appear as such as soon as a crafty writer/producer gains the rights to the video.

Meanwhile, up on stage, there’s a scene that nobody would have ever imagined during this political season.  Donald Grump, along with his wife and daughter, are seen embracing Pillory and Big Dog Clintun, the ex-president of the United States, along with their daughter.  They soon form a hand-holding circle and begin to dance and sing the words to a song familiar to those who watched Big Dog’s first Inaugural celebration after winning the presidency in 1992:  Don’t Stop Thinking About Tomorrow.

 

 

           

Seventy-Seventh Episode – Rubes Ruminate While Kook Calculates

Kook brotherScene: At a meeting scheduled the day after the Great Hate and Lying Fest of October 28 (formally classified by the main stream media as the third Neocon and Bagger debate), three members of the House Freedumb Caucasian set meet with one of the Kook brothers to discuss financing future Neocon and Bagger candidates for Congress and the presidency. The meeting takes place at the Kook brother’s Wild West wild west towntown mock up, complete with a blacksmith shop, saloon, sheriff’s office, railroad station and a daily display of a reenactment of the fight at the OK Corral. Present at the meeting are Representatives Fred Yoo-Hoo of Florida, Raul Retriever of Idaho, and Berry Loudmouth of Georgia. Ebenezer Kook welcomes his sycophants for the discussion.

Kook: Well, gentlemen, I guess the first thing I must ask of all of you is what did you think of last night’s debate between our many highly-qualified candidates for the presidency?

debatersYoo-Hoo: It was as if God hisself got together the most talented, moral, ethical and informed members of our Party to seriously debate the problems created by liberals and progressives over the last seven years or so.

Kook: Which one did you like the best? (Thinking to himself that the best way to approach these morons is to patronize them).

Yoo-Hoo: I kinda’ thought that our boy, Doctor Lobotomy, was the guy who looked and acted theCarson's brain best. I like that he is soooooooo calm under the fire from the other folks on the stage.

Retriever: Yeah. He was right up there, for a black guy. I didn’t know there were so many black guys in our Party who are so . . . so . . . knowledgeable. That surprised me, for sure. Although keepin’ his eyes closed sort of freaks me out.

Loudmouth: Comin’ from Florida, I can assure all of you guys that not only are there some smart black guys, but also smart Mexicans . . . that is, Cubans.

Kook: So, who do you all pick as the winner of the debate? (Still patronizing, but interested in their answers).

hillary haterLoudmouth: There was no winner as far as I could see. They all expressed hatred for Pillory, hatred for what Yo’Mama has gotten us into and they are going to do to put this country on the right path.

Retriever: Well, the thing that sort of disturbed me was that they had a lot of hatred for each other. What was really strange was that Governor Cakebread guy . . .

Kook: I think his name is Cakelike . . .

Retriever: OK. If you say so. Anyhow, he had this weird look on his face an’ he was a ’gibbering’ kasich‘bout how our Party was kind of crazy; that we shouldn’t be attacking each other, instead, comin’ up with solutions to our problems that Yo’Mama created.

Yoo-Hoo: I liked that Clarabelle woman. I especially liked her hairdo. When she turned her head, her hair didn’t move one inch. Although she really is homely, just like Grump said.

fiorinaKook: What about her positions on stuff? (Asking the question while trying to conceal his amazement that someone could be so shallow by mentioning nothing but Forensic’s hairdo).

Yoo-Hoo: Well, I think she made a good argument about how she saved that Silicone Valley company even though nobody around her seemed to think so. And she looked really mean while she was talking. That, to me, indicates that she was telling the truth. She is really ugly, as Grump said awhile back; that shouldn’t disqualify her as a candidate, I think.

Kook: What about those moderators? Were they sickening, or what? (Thinking that by asking them a leading question he’d get the answers he’s looking for).harwood

Retriever: Yeah. Lucky for our guys they caught on to those guys really early.

Loudmouth: Yeah. Leave it up to those mainstream media elite folks to ask all of those gotcha questions!

Yoo-Hoo: Ruze really gave it to ‘em! God! He’s so good at what he does!

ruzeKook: What do you think makes him so articulate?

Yoo-Hoo: He’s a Constitutional expert from what I know about him. Too bad he was born in Canada. I guess that . . .

Retriever: His mom is an American, you know, making him a citizen at birth no matter where he was born.

Loudmouth: So, why did we demand that Yo’Mama give us his birth certificate if his mom was a citizen?

The two other Representatives remain mum, looking confused that one of their own would even intimate that the president is actually an American.

Kook: What about Crotchhair? Do you think he has a chance?jeb

Loudmouth: Hell, no! He’s a wimp! All that New England pedigree shit of his and all! We loved his brother and what he did for this country, but he’s no President Crotchhair.

Yoo-Hoo: Yeah. Marco Polo sure put him in his place!

Loudmouth: Crotchhair’s at what? Eight percent? While our black boy is now pollin’ more than my favorite, Grump. Can’t say as a Southern man I’d want a Negra as president, Although Lobotomy sayin’ we shouldn’t have a raghead as president makes me like him, sort of.

bag of moneyKook: OK, guys. Let’s get down to brass tacks here. I’m prepared to foot the bill for all of your campaign ads and such, but I need to hear a figure from each of you.

Yoo-Hoo: I don’t rightly know about that stuff. I think you need to talk to my advisors and consultants to see how much we need. All I can say is that gerrymandering of my district makes me a shoe-in for reelection. There’s not a Other Party guy who could ever beat me in my district!

Retriever: Same goes for me, ‘though it would be nice to fly first class all over my state. Youpiper cub know, it’s a rural state and . . . hmmm . . . I guess I don’t need to fly first class since those Piper Cubs all fly economy.

Loudmouth: I’m gerrymandered, too, so, well, I could use a new smart phone, although I’m not that smart to use it!

All present laugh at his joke.

Kook: What I am worried about is if Pillory becomes president, she may influence the entire election, bringing in members of her Party with her (He asks knowing that his audience probably can’t comprehend the ramifications of his statement).

voter suppressionLoudmouth: Well, then, we have to rely upon our Governors all over the country denying the vote to Negras, Meskins and other Yo’Mama and Pillory lovers.

Retriever: You know, Mr. Kook, that the Baggers and Neocons all show up to vote. Whereas, those young folks who spend most of their time staring at their smart phones and woman who want abortions are too busy busin’ their kids to soccer practice to go and vote.

Kook: We can’t rely upon vote-busting, kids and independent woman being indifferent to voting and other things to carry the day. Besides, it’s a fact that during presidential elections, the liberals come out of the woodwork to go to the polls. You see what happened in 2008 and 2012.

Yoo-Hoo: Well, I can’t tell you what to do in that case. I’m just lookin’ after my own hide.

Kook: You all hear about our new Speaker of the House?'ryan

Loudmouth: Yeah. He’s going to have just as hard a time as Disfunction getting’ anything done unless he toes the Freedumb Caucasian line.

Kook: It’s amazing to me that just forty or fifty of you guys can control the entire government if you want to, although I must tell you that I lost a big piece of change when Ruze shut down the government a while ago. We’ve got a lot of government contracts, you know. Please! No more of this government shutdown shit, OK?

government shutdownRetriever: I can’t promise you that, Mr. Kook. You know, we all came into office bound and determined not to compromise with anyone who disagrees with us. That’s what’cha call our credo?

Yoo-Hoo: That still stands. If we have to shut down the entire government to get our way, then that’s what we’ll do, by God! And I’m sure Jesus would agree!

Loudmouth: Sorry ‘bout that, Mr. Kook, but we’ve got principles to uphold, you know.

Kook: Yeah. You guys are really serious about your beliefs, that’s for sure! (He says bemoaning the fact that he and his brother may have created a monster when they paved and paid the way for Baggers to be elected to Congress). I love the fact that you guys hate government forbailout interfering in our lives, but, you know, it comes in handy when, for instance, Wall Street needs to be bailed out; when our oil companies need subsidies to keep our profits through the roof; when our guys on the Supreme Court come to our aid and make our company a person so we can spend a shit-load of money to elect you guys to office. . . that sort of thing.

Retriever: Now, I know the Freedumb Caucasians came into being ‘cause we protested guys like you controlling everything, but since you are financing all the stuff we do and our campaigns, well, we’re on your side now . . . to a certain point.

Loudmouth: We’re sorry if our tactics caused you and your company to lose some money, but we are really sure that destroying the government will lead to freedom for all of us.

Jesus with gunsYoo-Hoo: We need, I think, to destroy government and then come up with a system whereby Jesus is our head of state; where a person can do anything he wants to do as long as, for instance, queers don’t get to do it. We can’t let those homos have their way in our society; before you know it, lesbians will be marrying girl dogs, transvestites will be Generals in our Army,  atheists will be running for and being elected to office and they’ll take our guns away!

Retriever: Yeah. We can’t let that happen, you know. God would punish us for sure.

Loudmouth: After He got through with the homos.

The all laugh except Kook.

Kook: What I’m saying is that maybe you guys and your Party should kind of temper your blowing smokeattitude. You can protest big government and object to gay marriage and stuff like that, but when it comes to actually letting the government function so that those of us in the one percent category can continue to profit from handouts, subsidies, and tax breaks. Putting it simply, if the government doesn’t function to a certain degree, me and my brother lose money. (He says while anticipating a backlash from the Caucasians).

Retriever: I understand what you’re saying, Mr. Kook, but there’s a higher calling for us. We have to think of what Jesus would do in every aspect of our lives . . .

god hates fagsLoudmouth: And I don’t think our Lord . . . well, Jesus wants us to stop doing those things he wants us to do like denounce the homosexual lifestyle, what the liberals and progressives are up to, stopping abortionists from killing babies, crusading against those Muslims who are killing Christians over there . . .

Kook: I see. Well, gentlemen, it waskook brothers nice getting together with you for this little talk. I’m glad I know where you and your brothers stand on the issues. My people will get together with your people and come up with a plan to fund future campaigns.

Yoo-Hoo: Thanks, Mr. Kook. We’ll be looking forward to working with you in the future.

As the last guest exits the premises, Ebenezer Kook takes time out of his busy schedule to reflect on his meeting.  He comes to the conclusion that, initially, it was a smart move to encourage and finance the Bagger movement, but since it looks as though their anti-government rhetoric and obstructionism may affect the bottom line of his vast, economic empire, he may regret the day he signed the checks to a multitude of Super Pacs designed to bolster their campaign finances.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Seventy-Sixth Episode – The Ben Gotcha Interrogatory Inquisition

Author’s Note: inquisition ˌinkwiˈziSH(ə)n/

noun:

A period of prolonged and intensive questioning or investigation.inquisition 2

interrogatory ˌin(t)əˈräɡəˌtôrē/

adjective:

Conveying the force of a question; questioning.

Thus the title and a new classification of what Secretary/Senator Hillary Clinton endured during her eleven hours of testimony before the “Ben Gotcha” Committee.

vipersThe attitude of the Neocons and Baggers toward their witness in this trial (the term trial being used by several participants before and during its course) was not unlike the Inquisition established by Pope Gregory IX for the suppression of heresy. No doubt, Ms. Clintun is heretical in the eyes of not only the sociopaths determined to draw blood from her, but for the majority of Neocons and Baggers, well known for their vindictiveness, vituperation, and pure, unadulterated hatred for the woman whodragon lady would become president. Add the adjective, interrogatory, to indicate the vehemence with which the Congressional Terry and the Pirates tried to slay their Dragon Lady.

And so, once again, the Baggers and Neocons continue their march toward infamy, not knowing precisely their path, but sure of their objective . . . certainly unsure of the consequences of yet another instance of their despicable behavior. But, maybe not, since religious institutions don’t consider cause and effect when it comes to their method of spreading the faith.

With my note in mind, I hereby present highlights (low lights?) of The Ben Gotcha Interrogatory Inquisition.

Scene: A beautiful, paneled, large room replete with ornate furniture where the inquisitors of inquisitionthe Ben Gotcha affair are assembled, ready and willing to ravage their tormentor, ex-Secretary of State, ex-Senator, present wife of Big Dog Clintun and current Other Party candidate for President of the United States. On the right side of the dais sit Ms. Clinton’s tormentors, all salivating, waiting for their turn to ask questions and make pronouncements designed to inflame their Party’s base, not to inform the citizenry. On the left side, sit her defenders, ready to pounce on their opponents whenever they make outrageous accusations without offering any proof. Needless to say, they had their hands full that night.

gaudy the pinheadCommittee Chairman: Now I know, Madam Secretary, that a couple ofhillary squinting idiotic, ill-informed members of our Party said this committee is designed not to find the facts of the situation, but to badger you to the point where you explode in anger, thus giving the viewing audience yet another reason to reject you as presidential material. I want to assure you, Madam Secretary, that we are only here to uncover the facts of that night when the terrorists attacked that compound and you sat idly by while the carnage took place.

Secretary Clintun: Beg your pardon, Mr. Chairman, but I didn’t sit idly by while my friends were being killed at the compound. All the evidence points toward that fact.

drinking and cavortingCommittee Chairman: But you did! We have e-mails fromHillary daydreaming your server and testimony from Neocon and Bagger spies indicating that you and Big Dog were out on the town that night, celebrating your increase in poll numbers! And, according to our records, when the Ambassador called you on your smart phone to plead for your help in sending troops to kill those terrorists, that you told him that you couldn’t be bothered; that you were just starting to drink your third glass of champagne and that you might call him later after cavorting with Big Dog in a hot tub to see how the carnage was developing.

Secretary Clintun: (Thinking to herself that this character was one of the most dreadful Neocons or Baggers she’d ever encountered). Beg your pardon, Mr. Chairman, but your facts don’t match reality. Where did you get those facts?

trey the dogCommittee Chairman: Those facts are classified and can’t be revealed before the public. But I guarantee you that they will be eventually—just as soon as we get a whole bunch of ‘em assembled and throw ‘em out there in one, fell swoop! By the way, only your inquis . . . excuse me, only your questioners have the right to ask questions and you do not.

Secretary Clintun: May I go to the bathroom?Hillary daydreaming

Committee Chairman: Only when I say you can! Do you understand the rules of this committee?

Break time is about two hours away. You’re just going to have to squirm in your seat before we let you go to the bathroom. If you didn’t come here wearing Depends, that’s your fault. My time is up. I recognize my fiend . . . excuse me, my friend from Maryland, that hotbed of liberal and progressive politics.

cummingsRepresentative Comeonnow: I have great respect for the chairman, but I must say he has demonstrated contempt for the witness. This is nothing but a Kangaroo Court designed to convict the witness using trumped up charges and lies!

Committee Chairman: This isn’t a trial, this is a . . . a . . . an attempt to get to the truth of what happened in that compound while Madam Secretary sat idly by, pavlovs dogprobably salivating like Pavlov’s dog at the thought of her so-called best friend, the Ambassador, being shot and burned to death!

Representative Comeonnow: Beg your pardon, Mr. Chairman, but you are stark, raving mad . . .

Rowdy PinheadCommittee Chairman: No I am not! Just because my head is pin-shaped doesn’t necessarily mean that I am stark, raving mad! You, sir, are out of order!

Secretary Clintun: Maybe I can shed light . . .

Committee Chairman: You may not speak until you are asked to speak! Do you got that, Madam Secretary?

Secretary Clintun: I was just . . .Hillary daydreaming

Committee Chairman: Shut up! OK, let’s take a break! You can take a pee now, Madam Secretary, while I try to find my bottle of seda . . . while I take a pee, also.

The committee adjourns then returns after ten minutes.

Committee Chairman: Now that we’ve all taken a pee, let’s get this shebang going again. The chair recognizes Mr. Pompadour.

angry man 4Representative Pompadour: Why didn’t you fire anybody in your office for letting all this happen, I mean, that’s not to say you didn’t want it to happen?

Secretary Clintun: That wasn’t my responsibility. That was andHillary daydreaming is the responsibility of the ARB.

Pompadour: What the hell is the ARB? And why didn’t you have the authority to take anyone’s paycheck and fire their ass?

Secretary Clintun: The ARB is the . . .

Pompadour: Forget that . . . that crap is too complicated for me. OK. Another question. How come you let your good friend, Sippy Blumgartner, influence every decision you made about el-mail monsterBen Gotcha? We have proof that’s the case, you know. He sent you over one-hundred and fifty emails to you in which he tells you he needs your help in establishing a business in Libya and that he was your go-to man on intelligence as far as Ben Gotcha was concerned.

Madam Secretary: I don’t recall those emails ever reaching myHillary daydreaming desk. Besides, Sippy would never ask me to help him set up a business in Libya and he certainly didn’t run the show, as you say, in Ben Gotcha.

Pompadour: I yield the floor to someone else. All these facts and stuff and Madam Secretary lying to me is sending me in a tizzy!

Committee Chairman: OK. In my attempt to at least give the picture that this tri . . . excuse me, this whatever-it-is is fair and balanced, the chair will now recognize the Mexican from California, Ms. Santiago.

mexican womanMs. Santiago: I beg your pardon, Mister Chairman, but I’m a fourth generation American. I am not a Mexican.

Committee Chairman: The chair apologizes for that error, but you do have to admit that you look like a Mexican, don’t you? I mean, except for those blond streaks in your hair.  By the way, you look hotter than a chili pepper!

Ms. Santiago: (Rolling her eyes) Sure, Mister Chairman, I do look suspiciously like a Mexican. Now, Madam Secretary, was Mr. Blumgartner your primary source of information about Libya?

Madam Secretary: No, absolutely not. Sippy and I exchanged recipes from time to time having toarab food do with Middle Eastern cuisine, but that’s about all.

Ms. Santiago: Who did, then, give you advice?

Madam Secretary: Diplomats. My Deputy Secretary. The ambassador at the compound. People like that.

Pompadour: That is not true! We have those emails! We have proof that Sippy was her sole source of intelligence! Let the record show that, Mister Chairman!

Committee Chairman: As it is said, so shall it be recorded.

angry man 1Ms. Santiago: I’m entirely frustrated by this nonsense. Therefore, I yield the rest of my time to, perhaps, the most vicious, unconscionable member of the Neocon and Bagger panel, Mr. Jorgun. If there’s anyone person who’ll prove that this is a sham committee in front of the entire nation, it’s this guy!

Committee Chairman: The chair recognizes Mr. Jorgun, who is, perhaps, not the most barbarous member on our panel, but sure comes close!

Mr. Jorgun: OK. Let’s get to the chase, here! It was you, Madam Secretary, who killed Cock Robin, wasn’t it?

Madam Secretary: Huh?

Mr. Jorgun: Err, uhh, wait a minute, I’ve got the wrong story here. Wait a minute . . . wait a second. OK. We know you lied about those videos. You said there were videos that incited those rag heads to burn down the compound, when there were not videos!

Madam Secretary: Videos, schmideos! What the hell are you trying to prove here? (The secretary loses her cool for first time in the inquisition).Pillory 2

Mr. Jorgun: Let the record show that the witness is badgering the inquis . . . a panel member.

Committee Chairman: As it is said, so shall it be recorded.Angry politician

Mr. Jorgun: What I am showing and not trying to show is that if you lied about those videos, you, therefore lied about everything! It’s obvious to me that you are nothing but a pathological liar and that you’d do anything and say anything to save your hide before this inquis . . . before this tri . . . before this committee!

druggieMadam Secretary: I don’t know quite what to say other than Mr. Jorgun is obviously bat-shit crazy and is in desperate need of heavy doses of psychotropic drugs.

Mr. Jorgun: How would you know that, Madam Secretary? Since you lie about everything, how would you know that I am bat shit-crazy? How would you know that drugs will cure what ails me?

Madam Secretary: Let your behavior speak for itself, Mr. Jorgun.hillary

Mr. Jorgun: Who the hell do you think you are you, you, you uppity bitch? And get that sappy smile off your face, goddamit!

The interrogatory inquisition goes on for another seven hours with the questioning and the responses from Madam Secretary hardly veering from what had transpired from the very beginning. At the end of the marathon session, the Chairman goes before the lights and cameras of the waiting reporters . . .

reporterReporter #1: Mr. Chairman! Do you think any new light was shed on Madam Secretary’s role in this affair?

Committee Chairman: I’d have to re-read the transcript. Off the top of my pin head, I’d say, yes, we found out a lot more information that will lead to the indictment, arrest, trial, and conviction of Madam Secretary. I would imagineprisoner that instead of spending eight years in the White House as president, she’ll be at Supermax sharing a cell with that shoe bomber.

Reporter #2: What will be those charges, you think?

celebrationCommittee Chairman: I can’t get into specifics since we’ll have to examine all of the evidence first. And the FBI and other authorities will have to put in their two cents worth. I can say that—and I think that every American saw this in her performance—that she’s one arrogant, uppity bitch who doesn’t deserve to be president. If that behavior counts for anything, then that won’t help her in a court of law when all the evidence is presented. I’ve got to leave now, ladies and gentlemen. I’ve got to arrange a party at a swank hotel on K Street to celebrate our victory today over the forces of evil as epitomized by Madam Secretary.

With that last comment to the press, the Committee Chairman takes a vial of pills from his pocket and pops them into his mouth. applaudingMadam Secretary leaves the building, thundering applause awaiting her exit.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Seventy-Fifth Episode – What if?

Author’s Note: The inspiration for this short but to-the-point episode came from a suggestion made by Elaine, friend and close confidant of my good buddy, Brock.

Scene: A gathering of the movers, shakers, and financial supporters of the Neocon and Baggerrich guy and broad movement at a posh restaurant in Washington, DC. One of the invitees brings along his wife, to the consternation of the others. The conversation they are having runs the gamut from denigrating or giving tepid support to the occupants of the Neocon & Bagger Clown Car who are running for their Party’s nomination, to sure-fire ways to further humiliate and then defeat Pillory Clintun in next year’s election. Their conversation is quoted verbatim, but with a twist: Every vicious, ignorant, homophobic, misogynistic, bigoted, insensitive, or spiteful remark has been eliminated.

We join in the festivities after the first rounds of Jameson Caskmates Whiskey and Petrossian caviar are served and their entrées are ordered.

rich guy………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………rich guy smoking cigar………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………we the rich people……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Three hours pass. Glasses of Dom Perignon White Gold are consumed from Riedel Vinum crystal glasses. Larded fillet of beef marinated with a seaweed jam was the hit of the evening. Since they were all on a budget, all of them settled for a desert of sorbets and mini-cakes.

Finally, Mr. Adlebrain, calls a halt to the festivities and addresses his companions, just afterroyal family members of the Royal family show up . . .

Good night, gentlemen! This has been a very successful dinner. I’m sure we’ve all learned a lot from each other and, also, thanks for the laughs! I know we still haven’t settled on a candidate, but I think with time and our influence, that will eventually be decided.

Image4The Kook brothers were the only ones who demanded separate checks, but an unidentified dining partner waved them off and paid for the entire meal.

As the dinner concludes, the gentlemen depart the restaurant. Their ford focuslimousines are summoned for them by the concierge. The Kook brothers drive off in a Ford Focus, a sporty little car they picked up at a discount . . .

 

Coming soon! Coverage of the Ben Gotcha Inquisition!

 

 

 

 

Seventy-Forth Episode – An Interloper Interlopes

Author’s note: It’s generally believed in the sane sections on both sides of the political aisle that of the dozen or so Neocon & Bagger candidates trying to secure the nomination for president of their party, Governor Frosty Cakelike of Ohio has managed to avoid riding in the Clown Car of his opponents. One might say that he’s not occupying a seat, but is being towed in a trailer and thus avoids fraternizing with the ragtag and bobtail members. However, he’s not so far removed from his colleagues that he doesn’t want to forsake the Neocon & Bagger label.

Scene: At the Elect Frosty Cakelike campaign headquarters in Ohio, five operatives/consultants are gathered around a table discussing the latest poll results and ways in which they can elevate their candidate above his present one percent standing.

Operative/consultant #1 – Look, you guys, we all knew from the very beginning that this would be an uphill struggle all the way.

O/c #2: Maybe you. Certainly not me. Nobody foresaw the likes of Grump, Lobotomy and Forensic coming on the scene. I didn’t anticipate a bunch of vicious political neophytes taking the wind out of our sails.

O/c #3: Me either. I thought Frosty would be a shoe-in for at least a third place standings in the polls—right from the get-go.

All of a sudden, the door to the meeting room opens and a man enters.

O/c #1: What the eff! Who the hell are you and how the hell did you get in here? Call security!

Before O/c # 4 could get to his smart phone, the interloper speaks.

Hарушитель: Excuse me, gentlemen, but there was nobody in the office, so I just came in here.

O/c #5: Who the hell are you? What the hell do you want with us? You’re not some kind of terrorist, are you? What’s your name? You aren’t here to spy on us, are you?

Hарушитель: I’m neither a spy nor a terrorist. My name is Hарушитель.

O/c #3: What the hell kind of name is that?

Hарушитель: It’s Russian.

O/c #4: Jesus Christ! You are a spy! Where the hell is my smart phone!

Hарушитель: There is no need to panic, gentlemen. I’m here to help you and your candidate.

O/c #1: Do you know how absolutely bizarre this is to us, for God’s sake?

O/c #4: Did anyone see my smart phone, Goddamn it?

O/c #1: Forget the smart phone! It’s obvious that if he was going to take us out he would have done it by now.

O/c #3: So, what you are saying is that you want to listen to this character?

O/c #5: Why not? I mean, what else are we doing here except crying over Frosty’s poll numbers? Make that poll number (he says with a smile).

O/c #4: Have you guys gone out of your minds? A guy walks in here off the street and says he wants to help us! Do know how ridiculous that sounds?

Hарушитель: All I ask is that you hear me out.

O/c #1: OK. What are you selling?

Hарушитель: I’m not selling anything, not even myself. I’ve come up with a five-point plan to lift your candidate above his present poll numbers . . . excuse me, poll number (he also smiles at that remark).

O/c#2: Why the hell should we believe you? You’re nothing but a stranger to us. Besides, what’s in it for you?

Hарушитель: Quite frankly, gentlemen, I’m here to offer advice because I feel sorry for your Party in general and your candidate in particular. I am not a member of any political party, but I would like to see your candidate not continue to embarrass himself with his pathetic popularity. I would actually like to see him become the Neocon & Bagger candidate.

O/c #4: Oh, brother! You guys aren’t buying anything this Russian spy is saying, are you? Are you sure I shouldn’t call security?

O/c #1: Forget the security bullshit, will you? Let’s hear him out. If nothing else, we’ll get a few laughs out of what he’s going to say. The floor is yours, whatever the hell your name is.

Hарушитель: As I said, I have a five-point plan I think you should follow not only to increase Governor Cakelike’s poll number (he grins), but possibly put him in the position of becoming your standard bearer.

O/c #5: Five-point-away, Mr. Russian.

Hарушитель: The first of the five is the most important. It involves completely disassociating your candidate from the radical part of your Party. That may not be possible because I see that he’s in favor of such radically-conservative ideas as a litmus test before a woman gets an abortion; wants more prisons instead of alternative sentencing and giving no habeas corpus appeals to those sentenced to death; want’s a Constitutional amendment for school prayer; want’s some government policies to be led by Biblical quotes . . .

O/c #4: Stop right there, Mr. Russian! This is a Christian country, for Christ’s sake! Of course we need to be led by Jesus and the Bible!

Hарушитель: What about other religions? What about your First Amendment?

O/c # 4: All that stuff is subject to interpretation and, quite frankly, popularity. Christianity is the most popular religion in this country, without a doubt.

Hарушитель: And what if the Muslim faith someday displaces your religion in popularity?

O/c #4: Ain’t gonna happen, buddy! And I’m sure future generations of Christians won’t allow that to happen (he winks).

O/c #2: OK. Enough of that crap. Besides, what you are suggesting is that all these agenda items and beliefs of Frosty are radical.

Hарушитель: I don’t believe they’ll fly with the electorate in general. Poll results suggest that in most cases, all the things I mentioned are not very popular.

O/c #3: OK. That shit’s a no-go. No way is Frosty going to change his mind on that stuff. Besides, he’ll need the Bagger wing of our Party during the primaries. The Baggers control the primaries, you know, just like they control the House of Representatives. What’s number two?

Hарушитель: He should publicly state, just like Grump, that the war in Iraq was a complete mistake; that the Recession was the fault of Crotchhair and trickle-down economics; that trillion dollar bailout of Wall Street . . .

O/c #2: Yeah. Right. Do you know how popular that would be with the Neocons in our Party?

Hарушитель: What you do is suggest that the war mongers in your party actually fight in the wars they start, support and profit from. That might silence them.

O/c #3: Are you kidding? There’s money to be made from warfare! Our sugar daddies who foot the bill for our campaigns would never go along with being critical of making a profit from war!

Hарушитель: And yet on both sides of the political spectrum—especially the left side—not going to war is a very popular stance for a politician.

O/c #1: I’m sure Frosty is against sending ground troops into battle, but he sure isn’t going to alienate a good part of the One Percenters who are paying for his campaign. OK. That’s a non-starter, too. What about number three?

Hарушитель: Denounce those Neocon & Bagger Governors who are putting roadblocks in the way of blacks and other minorities from voting. How is it possible that with that particular policy you hope to fill that big tent of yours with people who traditionally vote for the Other Party?

O/c #2: You don’t have any listening devices on you, do you?

Hарушитель: Of course not. Would you like to frisk me to find out?

O/c #2: I’ll skip that. I wouldn’t want to be seen as leading the gay lifestyle, you know.

All of the other operative/consultants laugh at that remark.

O/c #2: Just between you and me, we love to say we want to fill that big tent with blacks, gays, Muslims, transvestites, atheists like you, uppity women, pro-abortionists, socialists, and every other member of any group we don’t traditionally appeal to, but that would not be the conservative way; there’s a kind of suspicion in our Party of anyone who doesn’t toe the conservative line—not that there’s anything wrong with that stance! Number four? This is getting to be kind of ridiculous, but it’s still an hour before I have to report to Frosty about what we’ve been up to.

Hарушитель: We can stop here if you like since you don’t seem to be enthusiastic about anything I’ve said so far.

O/c #4: I’d like to throw you out on your ass if I had my way.

O/c #3: Oh, shut up, will you? Let’s let this guy have his say. Remember, we’re working for a candidate who says he’ll entertain any suggestion just as long as it doesn’t go against his religious and sociopolitical beliefs.

Hарушитель: Denounce the insanity and ridiculous comments immediately by Grump and Lobotomy. And do it without mentioning their names; denounce the comment, not them since they are leading your candidate by a ridiculous margin.

Oc/#1: Frosty isn’t the denouncing kind. He likes to heap praise on his agenda and accomplishments without making guys like Grump and Lobotomy look like the fools they are. They’re doing a pretty good job doing that themselves! OK. Finally. What’s number five?

Hарушитель: What’s always been missing from your Party since President Raygun was the president is a sense of humor. The only humor expressed by any of the candidates besides your own is usually of a cruel and inhuman kind. Take Grump for example. Take all of your Neocons. Take, especially the Baggers. You are the humorless Party. The only way around that is for Cakelike to develop a sense of humor, especially when it comes to criticizing his opponents.

O/c #2: Frosty is just not a funny guy; he doesn’t have it in him to make jokes. He’s really serious about what needs to be done to make America great again.

Hарушитель: Well, that’s it gentlemen. That’s what I came here to do. I hope you found my advice at least interesting.

O/c #1: Interesting for sure, but totally unworkable. Frosty would cease to be a conservative candidate if he did all you suggest. We want to thank you for intruding upon us (he winks), but nothing you’ve said will alter the course we’ve set to make Frosty our Party’s standard-bearer. We’ll succeed or fail on those principles we’ve always adhered to.

Hарушитель: Need I remind all of you of that old adage about doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results? Especially in today’s political climate with changing demographics, etc.

O/c #4: You’re the one who’s insane, not us!

O/c #2: You’re not insane, but you are a liberal, which is just as bad to a great number of our base. We can’t abide by progressive principles, and as far as you suggesting that Frosty not let his faith guide his political as well as private life, well, that’s something he’ll never do.

O/c #3: We will never, ever sacrifice our beliefs for political expediency, and neither will Governor Cakelike. Thanks for making the last half hour or so interesting since we were at a standstill as far as our next move in this campaign.

Hарушитель: Thanks for hearing me out and not calling the cops on me. Good day, gentlemen.

With that remark, Hарушитель gets up and leaves the room.

O/c #4: The nerve of that guy even suggesting that Frosty do a complete about-face on a lot of his beliefs just to increase his popularity.

O/c#1: Yeah. The nerve of that guy! I’ve got to go report to the Governor that we just can’t seem to come up with any ideas to get his campaign jump-started.

O/c #5: There’s always plan A, you know. You know, wait for Grump, Lobotomy, and Forensic to self-destruct and then let Frosty pick up the pieces . . .

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Seventy-Third Episode – Haters of a Feather Muse Together

Author’s Note: If there’s anything a Neocon & Bagger politician haters hate more than their colleagues, it’s any member of the opposing Party—actually any individual who doesn’t toe the line of Baggermania. So, on the night of the Other Party’s first debate, candidates Ronald Grump, Teddy Ruze and Dr. Benny Lobotomy agree to meet and watch what they believe will be a lackluster affair, with all the candidates proving to them that they are not presidential material—according to their standards, of course.

Trump towerScene: They meet at Grump Tower amid all the finery that politicians of their stripe traditionally enjoy. As the hour for the debate arrives, they are sitting before a huge, flat-screen TV in Grump’s personal entertainment room.

Grump: You know, this is yoooooooooooooooge! I mean, here we are, political enemies before the media, and yet we are sitting together to watch this abortion of a debate.

Lobotomy: Please, Ronald, don’t use that word, abortion. You know how sensitive I am about Nazithose Nazi’s in the Other Party wanting to kill children and then dissecting their bodies, the parts to be sold to the highest bidder.

Grump: Sorry about that, Benny. I keep forgetting how much you hate those cold-blooded killers.

Ruze: I bet Benny doesn’t hate them as much as I do! I mean, I’m the original hater, stating that position way back in 2010. As a matter of fact, I’m thinking of changing my middle name Ruze 2to Loather. What do you guys think of that? Doesn’t Theodore Loather Ruze sound presidential?

Lobotomy: I think maybe you should call yourself The Abominator. That has a better ring to it, I’d say.

At that moment, the debate moderator, Petterson Gayguy, presents himself before the audience.

Gayguy: I want the candidates to be able to introduceGay guy themselves to our audience. Each candidate will have two minutes to introduce themselves.

Grump: They should introduce themselves! Nobody knows who those clowns are except maybe Pillory and that old socialist!

As ex-Mayor Chapstick, talks about his bona fides . . .

Ruze: Look at that guy! ‘Takin’ about climate change and giving the have-nots a free ride.

carson 2Lobotomy: Yeah. He’s definitely being politically-correct, which I am not.

Ex-Senator Spiderwebb is the next one to speak . . .

Ruze: Yeah. Right. Spiderwebb is a combat veteran . . . saw some action, so he says. God! Ever notice how all of these Other Party members lie through their teeth?

Grump: I think he was in Vietnam and did see some action. I’ll Jim Webbgive him that. But, you know, I tried to enlist and go in fight over there, but I had flat feet.

Lobotomy: Didn’t you have a brain disorder, too? I could have fixed that, you know.

MawCaneGrump: I think you’re thinking of MacCane, you know, that old loser our Party nominated back in ’08. He had to have had a faulty brain, I mean, to get captured like that.

Ruze: Oh, oh! Here comes that miserable socialist . . . yeah, there he goes talkin’ about climate change, Wall Street greed, how greedy billionaires are. That’s all that old fart knows.

Grump: And he thinks that’s going to change anytime soon. What a rube! Oh, boy! Here we go! The wicked bitch ofhillary Arkansas!

Lobotomy: You notice how that queer moderator takes a shine to her? I always thought that queers just like queers . . . especially if they have spent any time in jail. I can’t see them sucking up to a woman.  It’s not natural.

Ruze: God, she’s disgusting look at the shit-eating smile she always has on her face. And talking about God as if she has one!

Grump: Raise wages! Minimum wage! So, what the fuck! She’s a grandmother! What she going for, the elderly grandma vote with that crap?

trickle downRuze: Yeah She wants to share profits with workers. Where has she been? Everyone knows that trickle-down economics reigns supreme throughout the civilized world.

Lobotomy: And look at her kissing up to the LGBT community! Goodness! She’s really going after those abominable sodomites that even the Pope hates! By the way, I’m not a Catholic; I’m a Pentecostal.

Grump: Charm any snakes lately, doc? Just kiddddddddding!

Dr. Lobotomy gives Grump one of his famous droopy eyelid stares and doesn’t seem pleased bycarson his remark.

Ruze: Oh! And look at her claiming she’s a progressive! My God! She and her adulterous husband have been sleeping with Wall Street execs ever since they’ve been in politics! I mean, when Big Dog wasn’t sleeping with interns.

monica and billRuze’s remark elicits laughter from the other politicians.

Grump: Well, the old socialist guy finally said something factual.

Lobotomy: What’s that?

Grump: The Neocons and Baggers win when there’s low voter turnout.

Ruze: That and the fact that our ignorant base vote out of all proportion to their numbers; we can always rely on those cretins to come through for us. They are sooooooooooooo malleable!

Lobotomy: Don’t forget all of our Neocon and Bagger Governors denying the vote to blacks whovoter suspression traditionally vote for Other Party candidates.

Grump: I thought that would disturb you, you know, being black and all . . .

Lobotomy: You know better to even suggest something like that. My skin color may be black, but my heart is with the upper-crust who happen to be mostly white. I know which side of the bread the black and whitebutter is on, and I’m going to even eat the crust on the edges!

Ruze. That you do, doc. That you do.  And I know you will.

Grump: Here’s a guy who’s a sorry son-of-a-bitch. Just look at Spiderwebb in that suit! He looks like he bought it on a sale at Suits-To-Go!

Everyone, including Grump, has a big chuckle over that remark.

Ruze: At least he has an A+ rating from the NRA. That’s in his favor.gun lobby

Grump: It would be if he wasn’t running as an Other Party candidate.  Gun nuts don’t think he’s one of them.

Ruze: The old socialist goat is calling the Iraq war the worst foreign policy in history! Well, dear Senator, which was nothing like the Ben Gotcha affair, and our panel is going to prove it!

Lobotomy: Oh, look! There letting that lady moderator speak.

sexy moderatorGrump: Yeah. I wonder if she’s as ditsy and vicious as my Megaton Kelly?  Look at those knockers!

Ruze: What do you mean, yours?

Grump: I own that bitch. She wouldn’t be anywhere near as famous as she is if it wasn’t for me insulting her.

Lobotomy: I agree. I don’t think she was being politically correct when she got in that tussle with you during the first debate.  Not that I would criticize her for that.

Grump: Oh, oh. Spiderwebb is getting really pissed! They have ptsdshut him out of the conversation. I hope the poor dude doesn’t do a Vietnam syndrome on their stupid asses! I wonder if they check these characters for weapons before they get on stage?

Lobotomy: He doesn’t have anything to say, anyway.

motherfuckerRuze: Did you hear that! I think Spiderwebb called Gayguy a flaming faggot!

Lobotomy: Now, that would be politically incorrect! Even I wouldn’t approve of that remark. Besides, homosexuals don’t have sex with woman, I think. Did  you know what the Nazis did with gays?  It wasn’t pretty.

Grump: Oh, oh. Now they are getting on Rootin’ Tootin’ Putin’s ass. You notice I’ll never bad ass that Rooskie! He certainly has more in common with me than Yo’Mama has.

Ruze: Gayguy is criticizing the old socialist guy for dodging the draft.draftdodger

Grump: Yeah, but Spiderwebb says he doesn’t give a shit. Now, I would come down on socialist dude for dodging the draft since I didn’t need to . . . although I would have gladly gone if called . . . even though my feet were flat.

Lobotomy: Are they still flat?

Grump: No. The miracle of modern medicine took care of that.

Lobotomy: Too bad. I know a doctor who would do that kind of operation at a real discount . . . although, maybe, he’s had his license revoked. I think he may be in Mexico . . . Peru, or something like that.  Did you know that Peru once had a Nazi president?

bull gets itGrump: Now the old guy is complaining about Crotchhair’s administration loosing 800,000 jobs a month. What do you expect, old socialist dude? Like Wall Street gives a shit about that! Me and the boys up there got bailed out to the tune of a trillion dollars. That’s what saved the economy.

Ruze: And it looks like the bailout is going to happen again, according to my stock broker.

Lobotomy: I don’t know that much about economics or anything else except scalpels and such, but I do know that when that happens again nobody is going to complain. Like the old Socialistwe got congress dude said, Wall Street owns the Congress.  Does anybody know how many Nazis have been discovered in Congress?

Grump: Now everybody is falling all over themselves talking about those Ponzi schemes, Social Security and Medicare. Wouldn’t it have been great if Crotchhair would have privatized that shit just before the crash happened on his watch? That would have been so cool poor old folksto watch those old geezers cry about losing their benefits!

Lobotomy: Yes. They would have had to go off welfare and actually go to work to earn a living, like they did in Nazi Germany.

No comments are offered for the next twenty minutes or so as all the Neocons and Baggers sit slack-jawed at the policy issues being discussed. Finally . . .

Grump: Just listen to all this shit! Big money interest controlling the country! Immediate switch over to clean energy! Climate change! Drug companies overcharging! Neocon and Bagger scare tactics!

Ruze: Never-ending wars . . .greedy

Lobotomy: How do these candidates think this country will prosper without wars, drug companies making enormous profits and stuff like that?

Grump: It can’t. That’s not the way me and the boys at the top have organized our economy over the years. We have to pollute, take the peasants to the cleaners and, hopefully, turn over Social Security to us in order to make enormous profits. The folks at the bottom of the economic ladder need to get some gumption if they are going to even dream about entering our league.

recreational drugLobotomy: Here’s the thing that disturbs me now on TV. They are talking about recreational drugs and how good they are. I am against recreational drugs; I’m for legal drugs, which, by the way, I am now taking regularly.

Ruze: Really? Which ones?  Why would you admit that to us?

Lobotomy: Downers. Uppers. Anything that will see me through these days of campaigning. And, of course, I can prescribe them to myself.  I admit it because it’s politically incorrect.  I have to be consistent, you know.

Grump: Isn’t there a law that prevents that? And taking those drugs, don’t they make you talk slow and pillsclose your eyes half way?

Lobotomy: There is. But, you know the old saying, “There’s always a way to arrange things”? No. My eye problem is due to . . . who says I have an eye problem?

Grump: Whatever. Here goes their closing statements. Anyone care to watch anymore of this shit?

The two other candidates shake their head no. The TV is turned off and the candidates get up from their cozy, deluxe arm chairs to say their goodbyes to their host, Ronald Grump.

Obama as naziLobotomy: Thank you so much for inviting us over tonight to watch this pathetic display of idiocy, political correctness and Nazism.

Ruze: Yeah. I’d like to thank you for this evening. By the way, once you finally go down in the polls, you know I’m going to take those idiotic, Baggers away from you, right?hate the ignorant

Grump: You got to be kidding me! There’s no way I’m going to go away. I’ve said that time and time again.

With that promise by Ronald Grump, his guests are lead to their limousines, ready to resume hating each other on the campaign trail.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Seventy-Second Episode – Ben Gotcha!

HannityScene: The Phox Snooze studios. The presumptive new Neocon & Bagger Speaker of the House, Mikey “Chopper Gunner” McMertry, is introduced to the audience by Shawn Calamity. Calamity begins the interview.

Calamity: So, Representative, McMertry, congratulations on you becoming the new Speaker of the House!

McMertry: Not quite there yet, Shawn, but my people are working on Image9it, counting noses and like that. We’ll probably have to strong arm some of ‘em, you know, make threats and such.

Calamity: Before I begin this interview, I’d like to ask you about your nickname, Chopper Gunner. Did you actually operate a machine gun aboard a helicopter, I guess in Vietnam?

McMertry: I sure did! Scored lots of kills while I was there!

Calamity: You look kind of young. Are you sure you were there? Pardon me asking this question, but you understand that there’ll be lots of liberals and Viet vets out there who will come down on you if you are, you know, kind of paltering about this; they’ll be searching the Army’s records . . . you know, stuff like that.

Helicopter gunnerMcMertry: They can search all they want. My service was just as legitimate as Senator Joseph “Tailgunner Joe” McMerty’s World War Two record. By the way, Tailgunner Joe is one of tailgunner joemy heroes since he did root out all kinds of Commies from the government way back when. Calamity: That’s true. So, let’s get on with this interview. How are you going to be . . .

McMertry: The question I think you really want to ask me is, bonerhow am I going to be different than Speaker Cavernous Disfunction? What are you going to see differently? What’s paltering?

Calamity:   I love how you asked my questions. But go ahead, that was one of my questions, go right ahead. Paltering is, you know, kind of exaggerating about the facts.

McMertry: Oh, OK. I’m obviously not guilty of that, you know! But I knew you’d want know what I am gonna’ do. What you’re going to see is a Tea party creepradical, Neocon & Bagger speaker that takes a radical Congress that puts a strategy to fight and win. And let me give you one example. Everybody thought Pillory was unbeatable, right? But we put together a Ben Gotcha special committee, a select committee. What are her numbers today? Her numbers are drooping. Why? Because she’s untrustable. But no one would have known any of that stuff happened, had we not fought and made that happen. There’s going to be plenty more of this political maneuvering when I get to be Speaker. You can bet on that! The Other Party are going to be awfully sorry when I get inwater boarding there. There will be no compromising and I’m not going to take any prisoners. Then again, I just may water board Other Party prisoners if I get any!

Calamity: I agree. That’s something good, I give you credit for that, I give you credit for sequestration, I give you credit — I’ll give you credit where credit is due. That would be great if you water boarded those bastards!

McMertry: Thank you, Shawn. I appreciate that.

schultz 3Meanwhile, an hour later at the headquarters of the Other Party, D. Ringleted Hairdo, the Party Chairwoman, goes into the office of one of her underlings.

Hairdo: Did you just see what I saw on Phox Snooze?

Underling: I don’t watch Phox Snooze, especially that Calamity character. He’s sooooooooooo grooooooooose!

Hairdo: Well, I do to just, you know, keep tabs on what the enemy camp is up to. And this is some really exciting news!

Underling: What’s the news?

Hairdo: Well, I think you’d better get some more of our staff in here to discuss it.

Underling: OK.underlings

Several members of Hairdo’s staff enter the room.office meeting

Hairdo: OK, you guys, I don’t know if you were watching Phox Snooze during the last hour or so, but that stupid character, McMertry, the guy who’ll eventually become Pillory 2Speaker of the House made a confession that will, I’m sure, ensure that Pillory will not only beat the Ben Gotcha probe but become our next President of the United States! Here. Come in my office, I have this puppy on tape.

The staff goes into her office and views the first ten minutes of the recording. Excitement fills the air!

Hairdo: So, what do all of you think?

First underling: My God! How can someone be THAT stupid? He just said that the Ben Gatcha hearings are purely political!

choke collarSecond underling: This guy should be on a short leash!

Third underling: With a choke collar, at that!

Hairdo: So, how do we exploit this?

First underling: Just show the recording on one of Pillory’s spots. Let McMertry implicate himself as an ignorant doofus. Even the most stupid Independent fence-sitter can interpret what he just said.

PilloryThird underling: Here’s the only problem I see. Pillory’s demeanor. She has to go on stage before one of those rallies and express total outrage. None of this low-key, intellectual crap where she sort of murmurs her discontent. She has to get a pair in order to exploit this shit to the nth degree! testicles

Hairdo: I’ve been accused of not having a pair.

Second underling: So has every member of our Party, except for a few people.

Hairdo: We can’t change that perception, I mean, that we want to get down in the mud and fightsmart phone idiot these morons just like they throw mud at us. We’re the party of intellect; we’re the Party of serious deliberation on the issues; we’re the Party who looks after the peasant . . .

Back at the Shawn Calamity Show . . .

Hannity 2Calamity: So, what else would be on the docket, legislation-wise, to thwart the liberal agenda in Congress?

McMertry: Well, we are going to try for the fifty-fourth time—maybe it’s the fifty-fifth time—to defund Yo’Mamacare. We’re going to get our boys on the Supreme Court to overturn Roe v Wade. We’re going to try oncecoathanger again to impeach—and this time convict—Yo’Mama!

Calamity: Are you sure you want to be revealing this sort of stuff right now? I mean, before the audience on my show? Remember: The enemy is also watching my show!

McMertry: Well, you know no matter how I talk about this stuff, our base will never desert us. As far as those liberals and Other Party guys, well, who cares? The attention span of even liberals is what? About ten seconds?

cowardly liberalCalamity: You’re right, there! You can say anything you wantsuper coward on my show and the pantywaist liberals will just squeak here and there and it won’t amount to much.

McMertry: I’m glad you agree with me, Shawn . . .

Back at the meeting of the minds in Hairdo’s office . . .

First underling: Yeah. Right. We’re the Party of the People. Come on, now! The only guy who we can put that tag on nowbeni is that old Socialist dude who’s running against Pillory.

Third underling: Then we have to try and convince the electorate that Pillory is not in with the fat cats on Wall Street.

Hairdo: How’s that possible?

First underling: We lie. I mean, Grump is getting away with his lies at every opportunity.

ignorance is blissHairdo: We don’t want to get into that kind of shit. Remember, the Neocon and Bagger Party is based on lies, half-truths, anecdotal, hearsay, and circumstantial “evidence.” We can’t go that route.

Second underling: You know, it really doesn’t matter. The electorate expects politicians to lie. What’s worse, they don’t spend the time trying to figure out whether or not we are lying to them. Well, maybe that isn’t a problem, I mean that they don’t take time to sift through the facts.schultz

Hairdo: We’ve got to remain as pure as the driven snow, at least in the intelligent electorate’s perception of our Party. . .

Back at the Shawn Calamity Show . . .

Calamity: So, now that we’ve agreed that you can say anything you want and whatever you say will not affect your Party’s chances in the upcoming election, is there anything else you would like to add?

McMertry: Since the Pope visited our great nation—and we have to consider how important that zygotevisit was as far as the liberals and conservatives is concerned—we has to take advantage of just what the Catholic Church is all about. What it is about is stopping those perverted gays from marrying. What it is about is classifying transgendered queers as creatures, not human. What it is about is saving every—and I mean every—zygote and every, whatchamacallit, blass-ta-sist from destruction from the evil—and I mean evil—abortionist!

Calamity: So, what you are saying is that our great nation should be based on the beliefs of the Catholic Church?

McMertry: What I am saying is that we have to do what is right by God’s law. This is a nation founded upon Christian principles, there’s no denying that. And the Catholics are part ofChrists blood Christianity, though since I’m a Presbyterian, I can’t support everything they stand for like eating Jesus’ flesh and drinking his blood. . . Wow! Is that sickening, right?

Back to the meeting of the minds in Hairdo’s office where they are all gathered around, watching the final minutes of the McMertry interview . . .

Hairdo: You know, what we’ve got to do is try and fit these morons who believe in this shit into our big tent. There must be some way to do that. Any suggestions?

born again atheistSecond underling: Our Party has always been identified as anti-religious even though our candidate and representatives in Congress talk a good line . . . you know, like Yo’Mama saying he’s a Christian when we all know that he’s an atheist like us.

Back at the Shawn Calamity Show . . .

Calamity: Right now, we’ve got to break for a commercial before wrapping up this fantastic interview of Speaker of the House, “Chopper Gunner” McMertry.

The commercial begins, as a person dressed like a doctor tells of the many advantages of hissnake oil products . . .

Ladies and gentlemen, I’ve got to alert you to this new, miracle drug that not only insures that men will “get it up” whenever they want, but will also cure lumbago, mogo-on-the-ga-go-go, incontinence, diabetes, obesity—particularly of the morbid dicktype—plus sciatica, migraines, and flat feet! The name of this new, miracle drug is . . . now remember this since you can get it over-the-counter . . . Snake Oil Supreme! Be sure and ask your pharmacist about negative reactions such as bleeding from the ears, complete blockage of the colon, possible aneurisms of brain and other vital organs, and, maybe, instant death. But why should you worry about these reactions since you will finally be rid of your mate’s disappointment of your erectile dysfunction? Go get ‘em, tiger!

Back at the OP Headquarters . . .

Hairdo: OK.  Then we’re all in agreement.  Someone here has to go up to Pillory and convince her that to really take advantage of this Ben Gotcha shit she’ll have to express outrage like she’s never done before; even more than when Big Dog got that blow job from Malonica.  So, do I have any volunteers?

Silence permeates the room.  Someone drops a pin on the floor.  Everyone looks in the direction of its landing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Seventy-First Episode – Pope Urbane I Addresses Congress

Pope 2Scene: The U. S. Capitol. Pope Urbane I, the svelte and very popular representative of Catholics, is about to be presented to a joint session of Congress. On the right side of the isle, the looks on the faces of Neocons and Baggers run the gamut from indifference to trepidation to hostility, which is to be expected since Catholics generally aren’t as respected as Protestants in America and this particular Pope has preached against everything the Neocons and Baggers stand for: Capitalism without a conscience, hatred for anyone who doesn’t toe the line of radical conservatism, and constant warfare against Muslims—mainly for fun and profit, but also because of revulsion for anyone or anything who or which doesn’t fit their definition of faith.

cheering democratsOn the left side of the isle, members of the Other Party have looks ranging from pure, unadulterated joy to serious anticipation at what the Pope’s speech will cover.

The Pope enters the room amid a standing ovation, at least from the left side of the isle.

He takes his place behind the lectern and begins his delivery. . .

Ladies and gentleman of Congress, I want to thank you for receiving me with such polite and enthusiast applause (he then looks to his left–the right side of the isle–and stares for a few seconds with a look of curiosity on his face). I want to address all of you through the entireworking man people of America. I want to bring home to you the necessity of paying a man or woman an honest day’s wages for an honest day’s work (members on the left side of the isle applaud, a few feeble millennialshand claps are heard from the right side). I also want to address the younger generation who seem to have been seduced by technology to the point where they care not for their future, let alone the future of the present generation, having spent the majority of their time staring at a small screen on their smart phones.

I would like to mention four Americans who have, over the years, offered a way of seeing and interpreting reality, something some Americans should consider . . . reality that is. (Members on the right side of the isle look confused).

These people are Bob Dylan, Abraham Lincoln, Theodore Roosevelt, and George Carlin. Now, I george carlinknow you might be confused about my pick of George Carlin, but I have chosen him because he was the most revolting example of atheism the world has ever known. Through him, we see now why past Popes have understandably exacted their pound of flesh from unbelievers. Lincoln? Because he lincolnfreed the slaves in spite of the fact that our Bible—albeit the Old Testament—valued slaves as chattel. We in the Catholic Church today don’t have slaves, save for little choir boys who are essentially controlled by their priests. But we are trying to do something about this situation to bring us in line with the 21st century. But, don’t hold your breath! Theodore Roosevelt? He is important because he busted greedy capitalists and was instrumental in setting aside lots of land in America for National Parks. Of course, if teddy roosevelthumanity continues to reproduce beyond the capacity of the Earth to provide sustenance, we can use those parks to accommodate people who could live by eating tree bark and mushrooms of a suspicious nature,

Bob DylanYou may ask, why Bob Dylan? Why not? But I hated it when he switched from folk songs played on an acoustic guitar to using the electric guitar and, therefore, adapting that god-less Rock n’ Roll best epitomized by your hip-shaking Elvis Presley.

But, I digress.angry republican

I’m thinking common good, not irresponsible capitalism to advance civilization. (Boos are heard from the right side of the isle—the Pope rises both hands as if he were Jesus, ordering the Neocons and Baggers to cool it. The place becomes silent). Because of the vehement reaction for the Neocons and Baggers, the Pope decides to shelve this part of his speech.

killing indiansLet’s not dwell on that. It’s time to speak of those who were here on this continent long before the rest of us. Now, I know that the character who I am about to canonize—the priest who set up the Mission system in California and abused, killed and forcibly made these indigenous peoples adhere to the teachings of our God—is probably not fit for this honor, but, what the hell, he’s one of us and at the time, those Indians in California were not one of us. We came to California to save them not to enslave them. It didn’t quite work out that way.

And the refuge crisis. What do we do as civilized people? Well, we must not be taken aback by over populationtheir numbers since it is the belief of our faith that our planet is infinite in size and resources. They can be accommodated, even though, if present birth rates continue, that may mean that humanity will be living shoulder-to-shoulder. But since the people in Japan don’t seem to mind that being the case, everything is cool in that respect.

Your death penalty (Congressmen on the right side Cheney monsterof the isle begin to squirm in their seats). Nobody is without hope of rehabilitation, except, maybe, those in the previous administration who seemed to love killing people for fun and profit (Boos are heard from the right side of the isle).

Distribution of wealth? Of course! Why not? Remember what Matthew said in this respect: “Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to gocamel going through needle through the eye of a needle than for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of God.” Now, maybe the rich will someday shrink the size of a camel to fit through the eye of a needle, but until they do, we must view these greedy characters as sons-of-bitches, deserving of nothing but the wrath of Jesus! (Boos emanate from the right side of the isle, copies of the Old Testament are tossed at the Pope’s lectern. The Pope adroitly dodges all of the flotsam and jetsam thrown at him).

dogs of warThe military/industrial complex and their roll in spreading arms and ammunition to those who would inflict untold suffering on society. We must bring an end to this practice because these companies rarely contribute anything to our church. Even if they did, it is our duty to confront this problem from the standpoint of keeping every soul alive so that they can be fruitful and multiply to the point where the entire planet is covered shoulder-to-shoulder with humans who will, naturally, adapt to this crowding—again, like the Japanese have done.

Family life. This will, according to our god, be the exclusive prerogative of heterosexuals and nottransvestite homosexuals. Don’t ask me to quote any part of the Bible which deals with this issue, but I guarantee you that gay people will continue to be second-class citizens as long as our religion exists! (Wild cheers are heard from the right side of the isle). As far as transvestites, I, as the infallible Pope of modernity, will continue to see their sexuality as perverse as — much more perverse than adulterers of all sexes. (Cheers subside on the right side of the isle, with looks of sheepishness being the rule rather than the exception among the attendees).

flintstoonsI will end this speech by speaking of the role of the family and how essential it has been in the building of this country! Yet I cannot hide my concern for the nuclear family consisting of a man and a woman and the children they have created. Anything other than a heterosexual man and his straight wife constituting a family unit is Lets talk about sexagainst the wishes of God. I know this because I have a personal relationship with Jesus. Jesus has told me on several occasions that queers and other perverse, sexual beings are not capable of raising a decent family. (Again, cheers erupt from the right side of the isle). How Jesus knows this is not clear to me. But who here is willing to question my interpretation of what Jesus believes? After all, I am infallible in my pronunciations . . . and you are not.

gay rightsIt is my desire that this spirit of dividing us along lines of sexual preferences will develop and grow, so that future generations will inherit and dwell in a land completely controlled by Jesus and his ultimate wisdom; that the land of Jesus will be cleared of sexual perversion by any means necessary. (Applause from every Neocon and Bagger).  Ummm.  Then there’s the little matter of pedophile priests, but I’d rather not get into that (He says with a Cheshire grin on his face).

I’ve been asked about women in our church. I asked Jesus about this and he wasnuns adamant that nuns do not rise above their present status (wild cheers from the Neocon and Bagger Congressmen and women). As far as women aborting babies, this is a crime against god and nature which has me on the verge of modifying my stand against capital punishment to deal with this heinous situation. (This last comment elicits the most applause and cheers of the day from the right side of the isle. death penaltyThe Other Party contingent, to a person, stares down at the floor, seemingly feeling guilty about their stand on a woman’s right to choose when faced with these words from the all-mighty Pope).big fucking deal

God bless America! And don’t forget to throw a few coins in the collection plate at your local Catholic church! We need to accumulate every penny in order to pay our lawyers for representing our brothers charged with pedophilia.

crowdAt that last pronunciation, the Pope folds up his notes, tucks them under his skull cap and exits the premises quickly amid a combination of cheers and boos. He is immediately ushered into a magnificent helicopter gunship equipped with thegunship finest wine from the Bordeaux region of France along with choice pieces of beef and tuna sushi from Japan . . . and cheeses from Tillamook, Oregon (!). As the helicopter heads for the city of New York and a ticker-tape parade along Fifth Avenue toward Wall Street, the Pope is heard to utter the following words to his men-in-waiting:

hedge fund managerWell, I’ll be glad when this gig is over. I’ve been constipated ever since we got here! I can’t wait to get back to my apartment at the Vatican where I can continue to live a life of luxury—hidden from theconstipated peasants, of course. Speaking of luxury, how are our hedge fund managers and corporate hostile take-over guys doing on Wall Street? Nobody’s made the connection between them and The Church, have they?

A minion of his speaks up.

Papa. Everything is going fine. We are starting to recoup our financial losses from all those lawsuits against our pedophile brothers. Church membership remains stagnant, but we are surewine and cheese that with your continued presence as head of The Church, your popularity with the masses and butting heads with greedy capitalists, our numbers both in terms of the faithful and finances will increase.  And the media just loves you!  So much for separation of church and state in this country!

Pope Urbane I: Good, my son. Now, where’s my golden goblet filled to the brim with Bordeaux wine? Forget the wafers, but I will go for some of that Tillamook cheese!

Seventieth Episode – The Neocon & Bagger Hate Fest

 

clown carScene: Present at the second Neocon & Bagger Hate Fest of the year are candidates Ronald Grump, Obadiah Crotchhair, Dr. Benny Lobotomy, Clarabelle Forensic, Marko Polo, Scottfree Stalker, Mic Hucklebuckle, Teddy Ruze, Frosty Cakelike, Randy Dandy Pauli, and Lardy Globosity. The moderators are Drake Yapper, Hewlit Bartholomew Packard IV and Wasilla Wallop. After commercials for Flaccid-No-Mor, the book, Hatred Without Guilt, written by Vice President Chainsaw, and the Savage Firearms Company—and after Drake Yapper introduces the combatants–the Hate Fest begins.

Yapper: First, I want to thank the Raygun Presidential Library for the use of this facility. AlthoughYapper a brush fire rages within two hundred yards of where we are sitting—and let me reiterate that it is not because of global warming—I’ve been assured by climate change deniers in the Neocon & Bagger Party that we will be safe. First thing on the agenda is to ask each combatant to take thirty seconds to introduce themselves to the audience. You first, Pauli.

Pauli: I use to fix people’s eyes as a surgeon. Now I want to fix this nation after seven years of abuse by our disgusting president . . . and I want to keep his former, loathsome Secretary of State from becoming the next president. Thank you.

Huckster 3Hucklebuckle: I’m no socialist like our hated president. I’m not being investigated by the House on Un-American Activities like Pillory. If I become president, I will assure you that Jesus will be sitting right next to me in the Oval Office, giving me advice on which nations to declare war against—and you can bet that those detested Muslim nations will be our top priority. Thank you very much!

(APPLAUSE)

Polo: I have four kids. I guarantee all of you that they will become Rubio 2Baggers or Neocons like me so that our Party will continue to despise and vote out of office all socialists, Communists, Fascists, liberals, so-called progressives and atheists. There is no room in our country for Jesus-haters. I will propose changing the First Amendment to make Christianity our country’s exclusive religion and expel those who don’t toe the line. I brought my own water even though the thirst I’ll experience won’t be due to global warming.

(LAUGHTER)

Yapper: Senator Ruse?

Ruze 2Ruze: As you know, I am the Chairman of the House on Un-American Activities. When we are through with our investigations, I guarantee you that Un-Americans like Yo’Mama, Pillory and the rest of those socialists and communists in our midst will be run out of our great country on a rail after being tarred and feathered. With your help and vote, I promise that, once again, we’ll make this a Christian nation with Jesus the Head of State. I’ll be His go-to man. Thank you.

Lobotomy: As you may know, I performed the first ever carsonprefrontal lobotomy on myself—that’s why I changed my last name. That is one of the reasons that I have this sleepy-eyed look and why I talk slowly and deliberately. But the operation has enlightened me on the Nazi-like nature of the Yo’Mama presidency. I am concerned with the future of our children, so that is why I really hate Nazism. With your vote, I hope to make our country free of Nazis. Thank you.

(APPLAUSE)

Grump 5Grump: I’m a deal maker. I can make great trade deals and make the country rich again. I will bring back trickle-down economics, only this time on steroids.   Wait a minute! No. I will tax hedge fund managers and use that money to build a big wall between us and the Meskins. I will also get rid of Yo’Mamacare and replace it with a really great medical plan. Thank you! Thank you!

(APPLAUSE)

Crotchhair: I want to make things really great again in our country. And the only way to do that is to essentially reinstitute the policies of my big brother’s administration. To do that, IJeb promise all of my advisors and cabinet members will be from that administration. I also promise that I will start wars-of-choice with Muslim nations so that our economy will grow very fast—much faster than under Yo’Mama’s presidency. Thank you.

(TEPID APPALUSE)

Stalker: I love President Raygun! I promise I’ll be just like him, although I probably won’t raise taxes eleven times like he did or hold the position that it is up to the rich in this country to take care of the poor. What I will do is exchange guns for hostages like he did. We must get our hostages back no matter what it takes! I’m just the guy to do that! walkerThank you.

(APPLAUSE)

Forensic: Sure, I was a failed CEO. Sure, I lost my bid to become a Senator in California even though I spent a hundred big ones. Sure, I’m homely. So Forensic 1what! I’m no different than the average American except for my wealth and intelligence. I mean, who hasn’t failed at so many things in their life? How many of us aren’t gemütlich? My father owned an auto body shop. That gig failed because the government taxed him out of business. Make me Madam President and I promise to have face reconstruction surgery and lead the resurgence of this great nation.

(APPLAUSE)

cakelikeCakelike: Hi! Look at my beautiful daughters and wife out in the audience (he looks over at Forensic and grins). I’m the only one up here who doesn’t hate anyone, although asking me to love Yo’Mama would be a stretch. I also love President Raygun, although he wouldn’t feel at home being up here with all of these hatemongers.

(BOOS)

OK! OK! I was just kidding! I want to unify America, not divide us. Thank you.

(MORE BOOS)

Globosity: I’m running for president because I have the weightiness to make radical changes inChristie America.

(GIGGLES)

(Globosity looks puzzled by the giggles from the audience)

Just look at the mess Yo’Mama has created! Five percent unemployment! That’s disgusting! Stock market at an all-time high! You got to be kidding! Killed Osama Bin Gotcha! President Crotchhair could have done that personally! I hate Yo’Mama with a passion. That hug I gave him after the hurricane hit christie and yomamain Jersey was an attempt by me to squeeze the life out of him, not a show of affection! Thank you!

(APPLAUSE)

Yapper: Thank you, lady and gentlemen for those brief introductions. I’m going to start off with Mrs. Forensic. We know that Mr. Grump hates you with a passion and thinks you’re ugly. Does that bother you?

Forensic: No, not at all. I don’t hate Mr. Grump. How can I hate him when I think he’s reallyForensic 2 funny? He’s an object of derision to me. In that respect, I laugh at his pathetic self.

Yapper: Mr. Grump?

Grump: The thing that I find funny about her is that she’s a failed business woman and a loser when it comes to getting elected. What is she doing up on this stage, anyhow? As far as her looks, I think she’s very beautiful (he winks at the audience).

(APPLAUSE and LAUGHTER)

Yapper: Senator Pauli, Mr. Grump has also made fun of you . . .

Paul 2Pauli: I’m a senior when compared to Mr. Grump. In that respect, he isn’t even out of Kindergarten. Look at that ridiculous mop on his head! And he’s making fun of my hair?

Grump: Anyone in the audience who thinks this character is something other than a little twerp with buggy eyes and hair that looks like it’s never been washed?

(APPLAUSE, LAUGHTER, and CHEERS)

Yapper: Governor Crotchhair, Mr. Grump has also made fun of you. How do you react to that?

Crotchhair: I think the voters will make a determination about whether or not I’m a stiff.

Grump: I didn’t call you a stiff. I called that gay Senator from South Carolina a stiff. But, come togrump think of it, you’re a stiff too!

Stalker: This debate is getting out of hand. I want to talk about real issues.

Yapper: OK, Governor Stalker. We all know that Wisconsin is experience a downturn in the economy under your leadership. How does that qualify you as president?

Stalker: That’s not true . . .

Grump: Of course it’s true. Anybody out there have a computer they can Google “Stalker ruins economy of Wisconsin”?

Wallop: Since my colleague, Mr. Yapper, won’t let me ask any questions, I’ll check that out . . .

Stalker: How could the economy be failing in Wisconsin and still the electorate continues to put me into office?

Grump: That’s easy. Three words: The Kook brothers.

BashWallop: OK. Here it is: “Under Governor Stalker, Wisconsin’s economy is in the doldrums and ranks thirty-eighth in job growth . . .

Stalker: Nonsense. What liberal website are you looking at?

Wallop: Actually, the article appeared in the Wall Street News.

Yapper: OK. Enough of this! I want to go to Governor Globosity. Governor, it’s been verified that when Americans hear your name, they associate you with obesity and being a bully. How do you respond to that?

Globosity: Are you kidding? I lost a lot of weight since declaring my candidacy! I think I’ve lost atbully least five pounds since the Bridgegate scandal. As far as being a bully, well, that’s just my Jersey style. Besides, all those creeps I’ve bullied deserved it!

Yapper: OK . . .

Wallop: Hey! When am I going to get to ask a question?

Packard: Yeah! Me too!

Globosity: I’ll take care of this, Yapper. Sit down and shut up you two!

Yapper: Yeah. Now, Dr. Lobotomy, what made you perform a self-lobotomy?

carson 2Dr. Lobotomy: I thought I could do something about my droopy eyes and mild manner. Unfortunately, that didn’t work. But, like I said in the introduction, I now have a clearer understanding of Nazism and how it applies to Yo’Mama and where he’s taken this great nation.

Yapper: Thank you, Dr. Lobotomy. OK. Senator Polo, you’ve called Rootin’ Tootin’ Pootin, the president of Russia, a gangster. Would you please explain that?

Polo: Sure. He’s in cahoots with the Russian billionaires. He’s murdered thousands of his own citizens. He’s invaded sovereign nations . . .

Grump: Didn’t your hero, the president from the last administration, do that too?Rubio

Polo: Let me continue . . . He’s responsible for a failing economy . . .

Grump: Ladies and gentlemen, I rest my case!

(APPLAUSE) Senator Polo wipes his brow, reaches for a bottle of water beneath his lectern, and takes a swig.

(LAUGHTER) Wasilla Wallop speaks up before Yapper gets a chance . . .

I would like to ask Governor Hucklebuckle if he’s aware of the separation of church and state in our country and . . .

HucksterHucklebuckle: There is no such separation. Our country was founded upon Christian dogma and principles . . .

Wallop: But, but, what about the First Amendment, the part about not favoring a religion over others?

Hucklebuckle: What other religions are there? There are no Gods other than Jesus that I’m aware of.

(APPLAUSE)

Wallop: Don’t you see how that attitude can lead to wars between nations?

Hucklebuckle: Bring ‘em on. Maybe one last Crusade with settle this thing once-and-for-all.crusades

Packard: My turn to ask a question. Governor Cakelike, what should be done about that dreaded Planed Parentalhood?

Cakelike: I’ve been against that organization since it came into being. I want it defunded. As far as women’s health, well, killing a baby in her womb is not healthy.

HewittPackard: Would you shut down the government if you weren’t able to defund it?

Ruze: I would!

Forensic: Me, too!

Dr. Lobotomy: Count me in!

Polo: Add me to the list!

Globosity: I would defund the abortion part . . .overshadowed

Crotchhair: I would . . . let’s see . . .

Stalker: Yeah. Sure. Unless the life of the mother is at stake. Then again . . .

Grump: I’ll have to go to church, eat one of those crackers, talk to my priest before I make a decision on that.

(B0OS)

The discussion goes on for another three and a half hours. More vile, vindictiveness and vituperation gushes forth from all of the candidates between themselves, but mostly directed at the hated black, Muslim, socialist president and his ex-Secretary of State, Pillory Clintun. After dick and lizthe last question is asked and answered, after the last applause from the audience is heard, the station breaks for the last commercial at the end of the program. Vice President Dick D’Firment Chainsaw appears on the screen. His last words are, “Thus, ladies and gentlemen, my latest book, Hatred Without Guilt, is a bargain at just ninety-nine cents. Act now, and I will send you an autographed copy.”
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sixty-Ninth Episode – Oh Woe is me

prebus 4Scene: The office of Rancid Prehensile, Chairman of the Neocon & Bagger Party. With the Party chairman to discuss the phenomenon of Ronald Grump leading in the N & B polls are Senator Lipsey Cracker of South Carolina, Representative Cavernous Disfunction, Speaker of the House, Lardy Globosity, Governor of New Jersey and Obadiah Crotchhair, Ex-Governor of Florida.

We join the meeting already in progress.

Prehensile: What’s up with Cav? Someone kick his chair. OK. So, what do we do? It doesn’t lookboner like this creep is going to flame out anytime soon.

Crotchhair: Well, we obviously lit the candle long ago that has now resulted in this huge, Grump bonfire.

Cracker: What do you mean? Nobody coulda’ predicted a guy like Grump comin’ along, insulting everyone in our Party and making us look like a buncha’ fools.

Obie 3Crotchhair: What I mean is Trump is our very own Frankenstein’s monster. Our Party created the conditions that gave the spark to those electrodes on the side of his head. Our Southern Strategy that brought so many racists into our Party; encouraging the Baggers to spout their anti-tax, idiotic, Yo-Mama-hating rhetoric; promising our base that we’d ban abortions and make Christ the Head of State of America . . .

Globosity: Yeah. And when someone like Grump comes along who is pointing out the fact that we haven’t attended to the business we promised our less-than-intelligent, super-religious base . . . they listen. This arrogant bastard hasfat pig 3 captivated the audience like Saint Raygun did back in the 80s, only he lies through his teeth about everything! Yeah. Like he’s going to improve upon Yo’Mama’s jobs record—excuse me, our job’s record—and bring unemployment down to one percent or some shit like that.

Cracker: Please don’t use that word! Jesus would frown upon the use of that word.

Globosity: Oh, come on, Cracker! Stop with this prissy, gay-guy shit!

Lipsey 3Cracker: Who says I’m gay? I’m not gay, I’m unmarried, that’s all. That doesn’t make me gay, for God’s sake!

Prehensile: So, you haven’t heard the rumors, huh?

Cracker: Grump called me a stiff, that’s not exactly an attribute of a gay guy.

Globosity: Really? How do you think those queers make love to each other? By just kissing and hugging?

Prehensile: OK. That’s enough of that crap. Let’s get back to the discussion at hand. What do we do about Grump?

Crotchhair: According to all the polls I’ve seen, yes, he’s ahead of all of us right now, but when itLipsey comes to asking those same people if they want him as president, even our black, token guy comes out on top. By the way, and speaking of medical doctors, whatever happened to that autopsy you guys were going to perform on our Party? Didn’t you propose that, Rancid?

Prebus 2Prehensile: What the hell was I supposed to say after The Turtle’s prediction that he’d make Yo’Mama a one-term president—and he failed? We had to throw some kind of lie at those Mexicans, blacks and other minorities to at least give them the impression that we cared about them.

Crotchhair: Yeah. That big tent is still full of snake charmers, racists still fighting the Civil War and ignorant Baggers. There isn’t any room under that canvas for blacks and Mexicans when the Pentecostals are charming snakes, racists are still flying the Confederate flag and when cretins in the Baggersanke charmer part of our Party are still trying to find Yo’Mama’s birth certificate and are being laughed at by those liberals and progressives.

Globosity: OK. I’ve got an idea. How about if one of us actually took on Grump, tried to beat him at his own game? I nominate myself to do that. Do the Jersey thing on him. I’ve got the chops for it!

Cracker: Come on! I tried that and went down in the polls as a result.

fat pig 5Globosity: Yeah, but you ain’t me. There’s just something about your personality that turns off the rough and tumble types in our Party. You know, you are seen as gay and prissy by our members. You shouldLipsey 2 have known when you tried to out-trump Grump that that would be a miserable failure.

Cracker: So, where are you in the polls, Lardy?

Globosity: At least I ain’t sitting at zero percent like you.

Cracker: Well, that’s going to change just as soon as we get rid of Grump.

ObieCrotchhair: Well, let’s look at this problem seriously. What does our base want in a candidate? They’ve already stated in polls that they don’t want Grump to be the nominee, but they love the guy as the primary season progresses. The key to at least holding Grump’s numbers at thirty percentgrump or maybe even reducing that percentage is that each and every one of us seventeen other candidates keep asking the base if they really want a boastful, lying, arrogant, solution-less guy as their standard-bearer. We can’t use the be-afraid-of-everything crap that has worked so well in the past since Grump uses that line better than we can.

PrebusPrehensile: Well, it’s obvious that we can’t out trump Grump; nobody can play his game as effectively as he does. I guess inundating the airwaves with that theme might work. There’s another debate coming up. Maybe that’s the question that all of our guys should be asking the audience.

Crotchhair: I think the problem may be that our base is just as boastful, lying and solution-less as Grump. That’s why they can relate to the guy. The only thing they don’t have in common with him is his wealth and intelligence. What’s even worse is that he’s a master at convincing these half-wits that they can be just as rich as he is.

Cracker: I think that stressing his lack of belief in Jesus is part of the solution. You rememberwafer when he referred to a eating the bread of our Lord like it was some sort of cracker? That had to turn off a lot of the Fundies in our Party.

Globosity: Oh, come on! You saw what happened to his numbers when he dissed MacCane for his war record and practically threw shit on that really popular reporter broad from Phox Snooze.

How on God’s green Earth is talking about his reference to a wafer as a cracker going to make him any less popular with our base?

prebus 3Prehensile: You know, I hate to suggest it, but what may be the answer is, well, sort of incapacitating him; making him unable to run.

Globosity: What are you talking about? Killing the guy? Making him sick somehow?

Prehensile: Yeah. You know, maybe slipping him a really powerful Micky in his bottle of drinking water. Maybe . . . Oh, let’s forget I even brought that up.

Crotchhair: Yeah. If it got out that we were the ones to nasty-up his bottle of water, his numbersevil politician would go through the roof.

Globosity: Although we’ve been great in the past at covering up our shenanigans when it comes to destroying our opponents on the other side of the political spectrum.

Prehensile: Let’s drop it.

Everyone in the room nods their head in agreement.

Prehensile: OK. So, where does that leave us?

Cracker: Looks like we’re back where this meeting started, without ideas of how to control or get rid of this character.

Globosity: There’s got to be a way to dig up dirt on this bastard. Who’s in charge of that department, anyhow?

spyPrehensile: I think we contracted out that job to a firm specializing in that field. I think they’re answerable to the Kook brothers who’ve indicated that they want to get rid of Grump also. It’s called Subterranean Scoundrels, Incorporated. They’re like a secret company off the radar just like the CIA. Nobody knows about them except us and the Kook brothers. They operate out of a foreign country. Iran, I think.

Crotchhair: What have they been up to? Whatever it is it sure isn’t working.

Prehensile: I think they are looking into his mistresses; his previous marriages, trying to find if one of his wives want to reveal some shit about him that will give him second thoughts about continuing his campaign.gay men

Cracker: Please, you guys! Don’t use that word around me!

Globosity: Oh, shut up, Lipsey! Go back into your closet, for Christ’s sake!

Cracker’s eye’s stick out of their sockets even more than normal. He begins to speak, but figures he’ll drop the whole matter since everyone in the room think that he is gay. He certainly doesn’t want that rumor spread to members of his South Carolina constituency—and all of his opponents are itching to do just that.

Crotchhair: Anything else those guys are up to that you know of?

bib titsPrehensile: I think they have this incredible-looking broad with big tits trying to get into the position of, you know, getting to know him. If you haven’t noticed, Grump is a sucker for beautiful women with big jugs.

Globosity: Yeah. So am I (he says with a grin).

Cracker: Are you kidding? A fat bastard like you couldn’t attract a good-looking woman if your life depended on it!

Globosity: Look who’s talking about attracting women.gay men straight women

Everyone except Cracker smiles.

Prehensile: Oh, boy (he says with a depressed look on his face). What about this? What if we actually make him our nominee? And what if he wins? Stranger things have happened in politics, you know.

Crotchhair: Nothing that strange, except, of course, for the election of my big brother (he says with a grin).

obie 2Globosity: Yeah. That Iraq shit and that depression shit that occurred on his watch is like a noose around your neck. And since we are opponents, I think that’s kind of cool!

Crotchhair: Yeah. I knew you would. We all know what the polls say if Grump comes up against Pillory in a general election. He wouldn’t stand a chance in hell of beating that woman.

Prehensile: Unless we channel hundreds of millions of dollars of our campaign treasury inhilllary stressing that Bengotchu’ scandal, her private e-mails and her husband’s blow job from that woman in the blue dress and other stuff. So, it looks like we’ve come to up against a brick wall as far as this group is concerned. I’m going to be talking with the Kook brothers, Adeledbrain, and other contributors for further instructions. After all, those guys are financing this entire election cycle.

Globosity: I wish they’d throw some cash my way.

Cracker: Me too.

s avings and loadCrotchhair: I, obviously, don’t need their money. In addition, my little brother, Kneel, is working on a scheme to procure tens of millions of dollars in another Savings and Loan deal.

Prehensile: Yeah. That worked great for him the last time.

House Speaker Disfunction finally awakens from his drunken stupor, looks at his watch and announces that he’s late for his appointment at the tanning studio.boner smoking

With that last comment, the meeting draws to a close. Prehensile picks up his cell phone and gets a call from Grump’s people; something about signing a loyalty pledge is discussed. Globosity has his eyes on the platter of chicken wings, sandwiches, and cream puffs at the other end of the room. Crotchhair calls his mother and says he’s sorry for not listening to her statement that what the country doesn’t need is another Crotchhair in the Oval Office. Disfunction starts on his third pack of cigarettes for the day.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sixty-Eighth Episode – Dillary Pillory Dock, the Time Runs Out on the Clock

hillary 4Scene: The Clintun household. Pillory has just returned from one of her many campaign appearances. Her reception, as usual, was lukewarm even though she tried to rally the audience by comparing the Neocon & Bagger Party to terrorists as far as their treatment of American women. Big Dog is there to greet her.

Pillory: Well, another day another less-than-enthusiastic reception by my supporters. I hate going to factories andBill 1 address the audience with all of those car parts in the background. That oil and grease really stinks!

Big Dog: I think it’s time I took over your entire campaign. You know how good I am at rallying the troops!

Pillory: Curley Top and Ruze would just keep hounding both of us about that blue dress shit.

Big Dog: Well, you bringing it up tells me it’s still a big deal in your mind.

blue dressPillory: It’s not really. Not at this point. That was a long time ago. Water under the bridge, so to speak. Make that blue dress back from the cleaners . . .

Big Dog: Very funny. I know it’s not your thing, but you have to start being more aggressive at these appearances. You have to start really giving it to Grump. Every time he makes a stupid, misogynistic, racist remark, call him on it! As a matter of fact, here’s what you do. I’ll have your people assemble short video trump anchor babiestakes on what Trump has said in the morning at one of his gatherings. At your afternoon appearance, you show what he has just said on a big screen TV situated behind you and you play his shit to the audience. Then you give a deadpan look at the audience. And then you rip into him with all of the outrage you can muster. You use a little humor and some sincere indignation. I think that will work.

menckenPillory: ‘Sounds like entertainment, not sincere politicking. That’s the one thing that really pisses me off about that carnival barker. His entire campaign is nothing but a reality show and the people are falling for it. What’s that thing that Mencken use to say? Nobody ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the average American?

Big Dog: It’s just another end-result of the dumbing down of America. People want to be first and foremost entertained, not informed. That’s something you’re just going to have to live with. May as well join the in on the phoniness, at least in a limited way. As we get nearer to next year, I think the majority of the voters are going to start to want to hear antrump grating teeth adult give their take on our problems. Grump, obviously, is not that adult; he’s an arrogant child with an amusing shtick that will be wearing thin as the primaries approach.

Pillory: But he’s gaining in the polls day-by-day if not hour-by-hour.

Big Dog: You know what the polling consistently shows? You’re ahead of every one of those Neocons and Baggers, even if not especially Grump. And that old, Socialist guy can’t touch you as far as our Party is concerned. What you have to keep in mind is that the vicious, homophobic, sandersmisogynistic, racist, yahoos that Grump appeals to represent less than twenty percent of the electorate.

Pillory: But with gerrymandering, Neocon and Bagger Governors blocking the vote of minorities, the Kook brothers funneling in a billion dollars to their majordomos and those yahoos voting out of all proportion to their numbers, this could develop into a horse race come November of next year.

Big Dog: Which brings up another tactic that I am sure about. You have to cross off appearances at all of those Southern states where we simply don’t have a chance of winning in a generalracist states election. Our Party leaders seem to think that gaining a vote here in Kentucky and a vote there in Mississippi will somehow add up to winning in the Electoral College.   Ain’t gonna’ happen. No way, Jose! Better just to concentrate our resources in Blue States and let those crackbrained racists stew in their own vicious juice. Electorally, with all the Blue States on our side, there’s nothing those Red States can do to make up the difference. It’s all a matter of numbers. Besides, all the black folks down there will automatically vote for purge the voteyou whether or not you show up in their communities. That fifty-state strategy that we keep trying is nothing but warmed-over bullshit. And speaking of black folks and other minorities, concentrate a great deal of time, energy and money in registering them to vote. If it takes a band of our warriors to go from house-to-house in some neighborhoods and actually drive them to the courthouse and pay for their identification . . . then do it! Put a crimp in the Neocon and Bagger Governor’s attempt to keep these folks from voting.

Pillory: What kind of appearance is that going to engender, especially among the main streamhannity media? They’ll be the first to notice that I’m not going to Alabama, Georgia, and Louisiana. They and Phox Snooze will take that situation and shove it down our throats. Instead of only having Old Stager MacCane exclusively on Meet in Jest every Sunday morning, it’ll be Neocon and Bagger operatives pointing fingers at me for ignoring those imbeciles.

Big Dog: That’s a possibility, but do you think the folks in the Blue States will mind that sort of thing? Remember, the education and intelligence gap is incredibly wide between the Blue and the Red states. In the liberal states, they know what’s going on as far as Grump the carnival barker is concerned. Our traditional voters will just love the fact that the half-wits south of the trump, white trashMason/Dixon line are being ignored in total preference to them.

Pillory: OK, do you have any more bright ideas?

Big Dog: ‘Sounds like you don’t think much of the ones I’ve given you right now.

Pillory: I’m just worried about my decline in poll numbers from where they started a few monthsHillary 2 ago. And have you seen that poll they took where they asked potential voters the first thing that comes to their mind when my name is mentioned?

Big Dog: Yeah. Liar. But, you know things will change right after the first debate you have with whomever your opponent happens to be. None of those creeps can hold a candle to you when it comes to presenting facts and taking them to the cleaners whenever they tell their usual lies and spew forth disinformation. You have to be forceful and angry with these mongrels.

MSMPillory: The big problem I see in those debates is the main stream media’s penchant for dwelling upon stupid shit like the color of my hair or what I’m sarahwearing. Phox Snooze is even worse, which is really ironic seeing as their so-called reporters are blond, blue-eyed, shapely woman without a brain. You know, it was that same main stream media who actually gave the winner of the Vice Presidential debate back in ’08 to the Iquitarod Queen!

There is a vast, right-wing conspiracy and the so-called responsible media is part and parcel of that. They love to manufacture controversy so they can attract companies that pay for their airtime.

Big Dog: Yeah. I’ve noticed those women (he says with a grin).

Hillary 1Pillory: Yeah. Right. (she says with a crooked grin).

Big Dog: OK. Here’s another idea. Attack their donors relentlessly. At every opportunity, picture the ugly faces of the Kook brothers, Addlebrained and Ailingman. As a matter of fact, hire a studio specializing in making those popular cartoon movies to come up with caricatures of these guys, you know, rolling in money in a bank vault and then tossing the coins up in the air like they’re some sort of Scrooge McDuck.scrouge mcduck Since folks like to be entertained more than they like being informed, I think that would go over really big! Use the money we would be wasting in those idiotic Southern states to finance these cartoons and their presentation. Saturate the airwaves with ‘em.

Pillory: I actually like that idea, Big Dog! I hate to say it, but even a lot of our supporters don’t like to be presented with facts all the time. Part of the dumbing down of America that’s even affected them and . . .

Pillory’s smart phone rings . . .

political operativePillory: Yeah.

Operative: Hi! It’s me. It wasn’t quite the turnout we expected, but we’re going to Alabama next week where we will have you pictured against the backdrop of a farm with some dumb hick dressed in overalls, holding a pitchfork with his family around him.farm family We had a hard time finding this character, I mean one not being a Grump supporter, but he’s agreed to be there with his family hugging you and stuff with his pretty daughter giving a little speech in support of you.

Pillory: Ummmm. You know, I think we’d better reexamine what we need to do to get those Red States.

Operative: What do you mean?

Bill 4Pillory: Well, Big Dog here has come up with an idea we may want to look at seriously as far as campaign expenditures and appearances in those Red States. He’s thinking we may just want to give up on those cretins, except, of course, for the black vote which will always be there for us.

Operative: Meaning what, exactly? You mean forsaking thissalivating part of the country completely?

Pillory: Look at the numbers. Even without any of those racist states, the Blue States will carry us through to victory.

Operative: I suppose you and Big Dog have talked about the appearance of ignoring these changelings; how that will go over with the MSM? Phox Snooze will be salivating from their rabid mouths if we did something like that.

Pillory: Big Dog says it will really turn on the Blue State electorate; maybe give them even more millinnelsincentive to show up on election day; maybe even get those indifferent Millennials, Gen X-ers and soccer moms into the voting booths this time . . . unlike the last election and in 2010. And I just thought of something else: Youred state know how Grump has derided the media—even Phox Snooze—and everyone is just eating that shit up! If the MSM and Phox come after us bigtime, well, I think that would be a positive as far as fence-sitting Independents are concerned. If the media run us through the ringer, maybe even some of the right wingers will sympathize with me.

Operative: I don’t know, Pillory. It seems kind of crafty and slippery. You’re already seen as cunning by even some of our supporters. And then there’s that poll branding you as a liar. I hillary 3think we just stick with the plan we have in operation presently. I don’t think I need to remind you that you’re poll numbers are way ahead of every Bagger and Neocon, no matter which one you eventually face. I know that everybody is waiting for Grump to self-destruct, but I think if he doesn’t and by some miracle he becomes their standard bearer . . . well, that would be icing on the cake. And if he arrogantly decides that the Baggers and Neocons aren’t, in his words, treating him right and he goes third party, well, that’s the ballgame as far as your prospects are concerned. You and Big Dog will be in the White House bill and hillary in white houseonce again, for sure.

Pillory: I don’t know . . .

Operative: I don’t think it’s time for radical changes. Look at what a radical dude is doing to the Baggers and Neocons. Later. I got to go. Hope we’re still on for Alabama. Chow.

Pillory hits the end call button on her smart phone and puts it down.  The couple stare straight ahead, a look of worry on their faces.bill and hillary

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sixty-Seventh Episode – Grump and the Kids

chopperScene: As usual, during one of his many trumpery-fortified campaign appearances, Ronald Grump provides helicopter rides to the children of the parents who show up. On this day, he accompanies three children on a ride of about twenty minutes to give the kids a thrill they’ve probably neverkids experienced. On board besides Grump and the pilot are Frederick, Molly, and Paul—all in the seven to ten age group. Grump sits next to Frederick and strikes up a conversation.

Grump: Fred is it? So tell me, how old are you and what do you think of this ride I’m giving you kids?

trump 4Fred: Well, Mr. Grump, I think this is going to be fun! I am nine years old. How old are you?

Grump: Please, Fred, don’t call me Mr. Grump. Ron would be better. I’m really old and really rich! I’m sure your parents told you that, right?

Fred: OK, Mr. Ron. My Mommy didn’t tell me about that. My daddy told me he wants to be just like you: rich and all.

Grump: No. Just call me Ron. So, your daddy knows about my plan to make every American rich?

Fred: Yes, Mr. Ron.

Grump rolls his eyes and looks at the ceiling of the helicopter.

frederickFred: But mommy says you don’t tell the truth sometimes. You make things up. She says you make promises that you aren’t gonna’ keep, Mr. Ron.

Grump: Well, you can tell your mommy that I will keep every promise. If your mommy and daddy work hard and play by the rules, they can be nearly as rich as me!

Fred: What are the rules, Mr. Ron?

Grump: Well, tell your parents they have to be aggressive when it comes to making money. Yougreedy capitalist have to compete; you have to, let’s say, trounce your competitors; you have to take advantage of all the options in business in order to become rich like me. Sometimes those options aren’t very nice.

Fred: What’s trounce, Mr. Ron?

Grump: That means you have to, let’s say, outsmart the people who want the same thing that you do and do it in such a way that they won’t compete against you again. You have to teach them a lesson they’ll never forget! That’s the way I’ve made my money and it’s worked every time for me.

sharingFred: Ummmm. My mommy says it’s better to share what you got instead of keeping everything for yourself, Mr. Ron.

Grump thinks to himself: Well, your mommy’s a chump!

Grump: I agree. It’s good to share. I give a lot of my money to charity. But in order to get that money to share, I have to take it away from some people, sort of.

Fred: What kind of people, Mr. Ron?people sharing

Grump: The people who don’t want me to take it away from them. They know who they are.

Fred: Daddy says you got where you are by doing that. Mommy says that’s not right; that you should give more than you take, like the Bible says, Mr. Ron.

Grump: I wasn’t aware that the Bible says that.

Fred: Jesus took care of the poor folks . . .

Jesus and fishGrump: But wasn’t he the guy who handed out fishing poles to lazy people so that they would catch their own fish instead of getting a handout?

At this time, Molly enters the conversation.

Molly: My mommy don’t believe in no god.molly 2

Grump: You got to believe in god! Otherwise, you don’t get to go to heaven!

Molly: Daddy says there ain’t no heaven; that folks need to treat each other fine an’ so you don’t need to go to heaven. He told me he hopes there’s a hell, though, so that selfish people get to suffer for a long time for that.

Grump: Whatever. How about you, Paul? What do you believe?

pilotPaul: I believe I’m having fun in this, here helicopter! Can we do some swooping and stuff?

Grump turns his head and looks at the pilot who heard Paul speak. The pilot shakes his head no.

Grump: Sorry, Paul. You know, there’s such a thing as people suing each other if they get hurt.

Paul: What’s suing? Have you ever been, like, suing?

Grump: Yeah. I’ve been sued. And each time I was sued, I won! Just a bunch of my competitorslawsuit who want something for nothing, so they sue me to see if I’ll give them something they don’t deserve.

Fred: Have you ever sued anyone, Mr. Ron.

Grump: Sure. I sue all the time. I sue people who take my stuff. I sue people for defamation of character. I sue people . . .

Paul: Defa-what?

Grump: People who say things about me that aren’t true.

Molly: Like what do they say about you that ain’t true?

angry trumpGrump: Well, we won’t get into that. Let’s just say they learn their lesson when I sue them and win. You know, I’m a winner! That’s why I am running for president! I can show other people how to win, and then they can become winners, too!

Paul: What if you don’t win and don’t become president?

Grump: That’s impossible. I will win, there’s no doubtfred about that in my mind and in the mind of the people who support me. Just look at the thousands of people who showed up at this rally!

Fred: My mommy doesn’t like you, Mr. Ron

Molly: My mommy and daddy say they won’t vote for you.

Grump: Why the hell . . . excuse me . . . so, why did they show up at my rally?

angry girlFred: My mommy says she wants to laugh at you ‘cause you don’t offer any special . . . any spiss . . . she thinks you don’t know what to do about anything. Mr. Ron.

Grump: You mean specifics?

Fred: Yeah! That’s the word she said, Mr. Ron.

Grump: Well, you can tell your mommy I have lots of specifics as to how I’m going to accomplish the things I want done in this wonderful country of ours. She shouldn’t be laughing at me. That’s rude! She should love me as much as I love and adore all women!

Molly: Like, what things are you going to make come true like you said?free ride to border

Grump: Fred, I think your daddy’s going to like this. I’m going to build a big wall between us and the Mexicans to keep them out of our country; to keep them from rape . . . err, to keep them from doing bad things when they enter America illegally. I’m going to send those bad Mexicans who are already here back to Mexico so the good ones can have a chance of coming to America after they prove they are good people.

Paul: How are you going to tell the good Mexicans from the bad Mexicans?

mexican childGrump: That’s easy. We send them all back—even their kids with them—and when they get to Mexico they have to pass a test to see if we let them back in. Or, something like that.

Molly: Even those little kids who have been here for a while, like, if they were born here? I have a friend who is a Mexican, I think, and he wants to stay here. He would cry if you sent him back to Mexico, I think.

Grump: His parents should have thought of that before they snucktrump 5 over the border and had his mommy give birth to him here. By the way, when I become president, I’m going to see to it that kids born here to illegal Mexicans won’t become citizens automatically.

Fred: What other spuh-cif-iks things will you do, Mr. Ron?

angry kidPaul: Yeah!

Grump senses that the kids on the helicopter ride with him are getting a little belligerent. He gets up from his seat and motions to the pilot to end the ride as soon as possible. They head back to the helipad.

Grump: Well, let’s see. I will do what President Yo’Mama hasn’t done: take care of terrorists in Iraq and other places.

Paul: What will you do to them?isis

Grump: I will kill them wherever I find them. I’ll tell you this: when I become president and start killing all of them and start taking their oil, they’ll disappear from the desert and go somewhere else if they are still alive.

Fred: Where will they go, Mr. Ron? And what if you don’t kill all of them?

Grump: I haven’t quite figured that out yet, but you can be sure that they will fear me. They laugh at President Yo’Mama. They won’t laugh at me!

Molly: My mommy laughs at you. Will you kill her, too?

donaldGrump: You don’t understand, Molly. I will only kill bad people, not your mommy or daddy. If your mommy and daddy don’t like me or the things that will make America wonderful again, then they probably won’t want to become rich and famous like me. They have to be with the program or they will fail as money makers and probably as Americans.

Fred: So . . . you don’t like my mommy but you like my daddy because he likes you, Mr. Ron?

Grump: It’s not that I hate your mommy. It’s just that if she got to know me better—that I have great plans to make this country wonderful and prosperous again—then she’ll like me. I think your daddy understands this.

Molly: My mommy and daddy says when I was born they were really poor.  Theypoor kid say the other president back then made them poor.

Grump: He was a failure at supply side economics. I’ll succeed where President Crotchhair failed, using the same system. We’ll make the rich even richer and then they’ll make your mommy and daddy rich. That’s how the system will work! If done right, it can’t fail!

Molly: I don’t know no ek-a-nomics. I know that my mommy and daddy are doing pretty good now. We got free medical care and stuff! And daddy’s working. He wasn’t working back then.

Grump: I’m going to get rid of that medical care and make things even better—especially for your mommy since I really love and respect women!

obamacareFred: We get to see the doctor now. My mommy says when I was young they couldn’t take me to see a doctor, Mr. Ron. Daddy says he likes the medicine we get now, Mr. Ron. I don’t cough no more.

Grump: Don’t worry, kids! When I get to become president, your medical care will get even better, I promise. Hey! Here we are, back where we took off from. So, how did you enjoy the trip?

Molly: It was fun in the helicopter, seeing stuff way above the ground. Talking to you made me kind of . . . kind of confused. I don’t know what you are going to do to make things better for me and my daddy and mommy. And I want my Mexican friend to stay here. I like him.confused child

Fred: Yeah. I don’t know that either, Mr. Ron.

Paul: I don’t think you are going to do all you say you are going to do.

Grump remains silent as he unbuckles his seat belt while the ground crew opens the door to the helicopter. He gets out first to help the kids depart and into the arms of their waiting parents.

Grump: See you kids later! And mom and dad! Take care of those special kids of yours! And be sure and vote for me for president!

couple laughingAs Molly and her parents leave the area of the helipad, Mr. and Mrs. Ivans look over their shoulder, grin at Ronald Grump, then starts laughing. Frederick and the rest of the Nietzsche family head for the stadium where his dad is very interested in hearing what Grump will promise him and every other patriotic American. The Krugmans head for their car and depart the rally without going into the stadium.  Paul is not crowd applaudingdisappointed except for the short helicopter ride.

Ronald Grump is lead to his podium where he starts describing the things he will do as president, without talking about specifics. The crowd obviously loves him and his message. At every opportunity, they applaud whatever he says. As it gets darker, fireworks fill the air. A band plays Stars and Stripes Forever. After the rally, Ronald Grump enters his helicopter and is whisked away to his jet aircraft. Frederick’s father leaves the stadium with a smile on his face. Mrs. Nietzsche chuckles to herself . . . Frederick liked the helicopter ride and can’t wait until he tells his friends about it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sixty-Sixth Episode – Chumps Trump Grump

Author’s note: What if . . . ?

Image7Scene: Coming off two weeks of unprecedented increase in his poll numbers—at the expense of his Neocon & Bagger opponents—Ronald Grump is feeling his oats. He decides to test his continued popularity–while fooling all the people all the time–by showing up at the lion’s den: Radio station WLWR (call letters for Left-Wing Radio). His people contacted the station to ask if a casual conversation/ press conference can take place between Grump and five of the station’s talk show hosts. Miraculously, no pre-conditions are demanded by Grump’s people other than hair jokes are off limits. Present at trump and dogthe impromptu gathering are Alexia Vegner, a new hire, fresh from her firing at a well-known liberal television talk show and just out of the hospital after a neck operation. Zeke Ayers, who alexholds four hours of the AM slot. Mid-day host, Salida Chevez is present (and “loaded for bear,” as he told his colleagues). Norman Chomper, the evening guy who moonlights as a linguistic scientist at a local community college sits in the middle of the group. And rounding out the panel of left wing talking heads is late night host, Micky Moor, ex-writer and producer of left-leaning movies.

Ayers: Welcome, Mr. Grump. We’re so glad you could make it, and on such short notice.

Grump: I’m always available to whoever—whatever group—would like to discuss my run forImage15 president of this wonderful country. Even you guys. Hey! Alexia! Sorry to hear they canned you from that show. You were a lovely breath of fresh air among all those homely broads they had as guests! What are you, of mixed race?  And what happened to your neck!  Ewwwwwww!

Vegner: Homely? Those ladies were among the most beautiful leftists on TV—not that should matter! Skip the race bullshit, if you please.  I just had minor surgery on my neck, as you can see.

ugly black womanGrump: Not that ugly black lady, you know, the one who reported from the White House. When I get in there, she’s gone! You’ve got spirit! I like that in a woman!  You know, my medical plan after I get rid of Yo’Mamacare will take care of that neck problem of yours.

Vegner: Sure.  I believe you.  So, let’s get this thing started. In all of the press conferences I’ve seen you attend, you never, ever talk about specifics; what you’ll actually do, for instance, to make China and Japan knuckle under to yourImage17 demands that they stop exploiting us financially.

Grump: Look. I told the world, what was it, last week that my people would come up with a position paper that explains everything right down to what I would do with the Mongolians.

Ayers: Mongolians? What do you have planned for them? (he says with an incredulous look on his face).

Image19Grump: We’re going to take over that country and make all of those sheep herders into factory workers; make ‘em produce pasteurized Yak milk for sale on the open market. Those people will not be allowed to spend all of their time in those primitive huts of theirs, doing nothing but looking ugly.

Chomper: Is that going to be a priority? ‘Sounds like you have nothing but exploitation in mind for them.

Grump: Exploitation sexploitation! I’m sure they’ll just love earning a reasonable living doingImage18 something relevant instead of riding around on their wild horses, playing those stupid games.

Moor: You said that you’d put the president of Russia in his place and put nuclear missiles all over the place near the Russian boarder. You got to be nuts to think that’s going to impress him.

Image20Grump: I don’t care if he’s impressed, just as long as he recognizes our military is superior to his. By the way, when I get into the Oval Office the first thing I’m going to do is make it oblong instead of oval. I like oblong. Oblong is interesting.  Oval is boring.  The second thing I’m going to do is make sure the military budget is tripled! Can you imagine how frightened the rest of the world will be with a military that size?

Ayers: Where are you going to get the money to do this?

Grump: This is one of those things that is going to be discussed in greater detail when my position paper comes out. But I can tell you guys right now that I’m going to mainly rely uponImage22 our Party’s Bagger base for their support–you know like Rosie the Riveter stuff. I’m going to get these guys and gals into a patriotic fervor to the point that they will work for much less than minimum wage in arms factories and producing armored vehicles. There’s a half a trillion dollar savings right there! As far as the troops are concerned, well, they’ll be earning a lot Image23more than when they were civilians, flipping burgers and selling dope and getting arrested and spending time in jail. I’m going to single-handedly change their miserable lives from worthless to worthwhile!

Chevez: Let’s get to YOUR Mexican problem . . .

Grump: I don’t have a Mexican problem! You may have aImage24 Mexican problem, but I don’t! As I’ve said on many an occasion, I love the Mexican people! It’s their leaders that I have a problem with.

Chevez: Yeah. You’ve said you’re going to make them pay for that hideous wall. How on God’s green Earth are you going to do that?

Grump: That’s going to be soooooooo easy! Here’s the plan you may have heard me lay out earlier at another press conference. First, we identify all Image25the people in the US with Mexican surnames. We find out if they’ve been up to no good, you know, selling drugs, raping our women, that sort of thing. We round ‘em up, arrest them and ship them back across the border. We use the money saved from jailing these characters and from their welfare Image26payments to make a down payment on the wall. Second, we get Mexican laborers still in this country to provide their labor free-of-charge; build ‘em barracks and incarcerate them just like we did with the Japs in the Great War. If the leaders in Mexico want them freed, they are going to have to pay a big ransom. Waa laa! The wall is built, no more illegals can enter the country, and Mexico pays for the whole deal!

Chevez: Este estúpido bastardo está fuera de su mente!

Grump: Hah! You think I don’t know Mexican? I know you just said that plan is unworkable! Estúpido? Doesn’t that mean unworkable?

Image27Everyone present starts to chuckle.

Grump: What are you all grinning about? Let me in on the joke, OK?

Ayers: Your “Mexican” is as good as your grasp of the issues.

Chomper: You’re definitely not a linguist!

Grump: Yeah, Mr. Leftist! We’ll see whose plans the American people go for once I get my Party’s nomination!

Vegner: Speaking of which, are you really going the third party route if, as you say, the Neocons and Baggers don’t treat you right?

Grump: That’s a distinct possibility.

Vegner: What do they have to do to treat you right?Image28

Chevez: Besar su culo y deshacerse de todos los otros empacadores!

Grump: There you go with the Mexican stuff again! I told you I understand Mexican! And, no, they won’t have to shine my shoes and wash my limousine. Here’s the thing. Once the Party Image29Chairman sees that supporting any of those losers I’m running against is a lost cause, he’ll automatically throw his weight behind my candidacy. That, plus, you know, at least thirty percent of our Party is made up of Baggers . . . and they overwhelmingly support me. If you all haven’t noticed, I’m on a roll! Nothing can stop me now!  I’m invincible, for God’s sake!

Ayers: OK. Let’s get on to something else. I’m curious about your statement that the way to combat terrorism in Iraq, Iran, Syria and other places over there is to “take their oil wells”. How Image30are you going to confiscate their oil wells witout sending troops over there?

Grump: Who says I’m not going to send our troops over there to accomplish the job? Crotchhair’s family blew it when they invaded that area and didn’t use our troops to grab hold of those wells. So, we reintroduce a massive force of Green Berets, Special Forces, those Seal Image31guys, you know, all those macho dudes who can get the job done.

Ayers: I’m no military expert, but I don’t think there are enough of those elite military guys to get that accomplished.

Grump: That’s right! You’re no expert, but I am! I’ve got lots of Generals who’ll back me up on this plan.

Vegner: Like who?

Grump: I’ll identify those officers when I’m ready. It’ll all be layed out in my position paper.

Vegner: I’m particularly interested in the way you have been talking about woman and treatingImage32 them. Could you name those women you have labeled as losers, ugly broads, skaggs . . .

Grump: Well, certainly not you, Alexia . . . I mean even though your of mixed race.

Vegner: No names, huh?

Grump: That’ll also be in my position paper.

Chomper: You’ve really come down on your opponents. Don’t you see a time in the future where you may need their help if you are the nominee?

Grump: Great question . . . one I hadn’t considered. Hmmmmm. Well, look at it this way. They are all losers. In my business before I started this gig, I got rid of losers right away. All those guys were are excess baggage taking away from my bottom line. Same with Crotchhair, Curly Top, Ruze . . . well, maybe not Ruze even though I know the guy is waiting for me to crash and burnImage34 Image33so he can lasso my Bagger base. The only broad that’s in this race, well, I like her style but she’s butt ugly and that voice of her’s! It’s like sitting in a classroom, listening to the teacher scrapping her fingernails on the blackboard! I could use Hucklebuckle, however. I could make him the Secretary of Fundamentalism. That’ll be a new cabinet post in my administration. We’ve got to bring Jesus back into government big time!

You know, I’d like to stay here a while longer and answer some more of your questions, but I’ve Bezosgot to go help my friend, Bozo, the CEO of Amawamazone, get out of the fix he’s in right now. I’m sure you all read that article in the New York Mimes which lied about him treating his workers like slaves ; throwing them out in the cold if they refused to work hundred hour work weeks.  In his defense, I’m going to tell the media that when the bottom line is the most important thing in a CEO’s life, problems like this are meaningless.  If those losers over at Amawamzone can’t take the heat, they need to get out of the kitchen!  Let them eat those plastic popcorn things they use in packaging!

Chevez: Este chico no sabe que es un monstruo! ¿Tiene alguna cualidades redentora en todos?

Grump: Well, I’m finally glad that Mr. Chevez, here, has agreed with me on something!

The rest of those present start to laugh out loud.Image35

Grump: You guys think you’re putting something over on me, don’t you?

Vegner: No, not at all, Mr. Grump. We just thought we’d send you off on a humorus note, that’s all.

Grump: Yeah. I like humor. I’m good at it, you know. I get a lot of laughs from watching my opponents try to make up those poll numbers and then fail miserably.

Chevez: Buenas noches, Sr. Grump. Espero que todo que esto viene a ti!

Grump: Yeah. And a hosta la vista to you too!

Image36With that, Ronald Grump leaves the room, walks outside to his limousine waiting to whisk him away to help Mr. Bozo handle his  pathetic workers at Amawamazone.

Back in studio of WLWR, the gathering of radio hosts can’t stop laughing until Salida Chevez says, Esto es mierda de miedo! Este chico podría ser nuestro próximo presidente. ¿Qué hacemos entonces?Image37

Micky Moor gets behind his microphone and begins his four hour long show.  The lines into the studio from irate listeners are on fire.

 

 

Sixty-Fifth Episode – Grump Trumps Chumps, Part 2

trump 3Scene: After Ronald Grump’s triumphal win as a result of the first Neocon & Bagger debate, he decides to hold a press conference to gloat over his victory, display his incredible braggadocio, and to harass and make fun of the press corps. The willing participants in this press conference consists of many “responsible” reporters and talking heads from the main stream media, a few Phox Snooze irresponsible reporters and newshounds from the websites Americans for Rebel Flags; Mom, Apple Pie, Guns and Ammo: and He’s a Black Muslim, Socialist From Kenya (Grump’s favorite website).

Grump enters the room as all of the reporters and his staff rise out of their chairs . . .

Grump: Please be seated, gentlemen and broads (he winks at the camera). OK. I’ve obviously fooled all of the talking heads and most of you guys here today by not only winning the debate, but actually increasing my lead in the polls! There’s another poll that I saw today that says I’mMongolian even leading in Mongolia, Greenland, among Tierra del Fuego woman and Tierra del womanLower Slovovia citizens! That poll in del Fuego is especially telling since the place is full of Mexicans, I think. Now, I don’t know where Lower Slovovia is, so I guess I’m going to have to brush up on my geography. In any event, I’m prepared—I’m more than prepared—to entertain your questions. Let’s see. Why not start off with a reporter from the main stream media, a so-called responsible reporter. That little Greek over there, Georg Stephonopololopolist.

GeorgeStephonopololopolist: Sir, I’m wondering if you will actually reveal to us today your actual plans for making America a better place. For instance, how will you put China in its place; keep it from controlling our economy?

Grump: How come you don’t have an “e” at the end of youreleman first name?

Stephonopololopolist: My name is German for George, sir, you know, like Georg Phillip Telemann.

Grump: Is he one of my supporters? Just kidding. I know he’s a famous Rap artist. OK. China. When I become president, one of the rap artistfirst things I’m going to do is appoint my fellow businessman, Killer Icon, as ambassador to China and Japan. He’s going to go over there and tell them in no uncertain terms that if they don’t stop sending over to this country all the crap they make in their country, well, then I’m going to get really mean with them. Do you know they loweredChina currency the value of their currency by ninety-nine percent? No wonder they can control our economy.

Stephonopololopolist: Mean? What do you mean?

woman in loveGrump: That’s a secret I won’t reveal for another two weeks when I present my position paper on everything including how to keep those Mexicans from coming here and raping our woman and what I’m going to do to show American woman that I really love them. Next question. Hmmmm. I’m going to go with Major Fukup, that brave reporter who dared question Yo’Mama about those hostages in Syria . . . or was it in Iran?Major Garrett

Fukup: I was Iran, sir, and thank you for pointing that out. Anyhow, what’s with this feud you apparently are engaged in with Governor Crotchhair? It seems you are singling him out as far as your ferociousness is concerned.

Grump: Crotchhair is a loser, just like his big brother. They’re cut from the same cloth. Obadiah’s foreign policy will be no different than any of the other Bush clanCrotchhairs. It’s a family full of losers. Just look at their little brother, Kneel! The guy screwed up that Savings and Loan deal. The only thing good about it is that he managed to keep from going to jail.

Fukup: But . . .

Grump: You only get one question, Major. We have to move along here. I got a speech before the National Grenade and Cannon Association in a while. Can’t be dillydallying. OK. That guy over there who I don’t recognize, but you do look familiar.

Bodean Buck: Yes, sir! I think you rec’nize me ‘cause I wuz on a panel of other re-porters thatstupid person wuz put together by the He’s a Black Muslim, Socialist from Kenya computer site.

Grump: Oh, yeah! I remember you. You asked me about the status of my search for Yo’Mama’s birth certificate. ‘Haven’t found it yet, but I have my men working on it. You have something else you’d like to ask me?

home schoolingBuck: Yes, sir, I sure do! I wuz wund-ren if when you get to be ‘presdent if you all will get rid of that De-partmint of Edge-u-cation or whatever they call it an’ then give some of that, there money to us who is wantin’ to home school our children; take ‘em out of those lib-ril schools an’ such.

Grump: There’s a distinct possibility that I will do that. I think it’s a shame that our schools have been taken over by liberals, Communists, Socialists and other un-American types. I’ll add that item to my position paper Cattyyou’ll all see in two weeks. ‘Another question from the main stream media. Notice I didn’t call it the lame stream media like my friend, Governor Iquitarod, who’ll be getting an important Cabinet position in my Administration. Oh! Look who we have here! It’s Catty Curlicue, the reporter who was fired from the Yesterday show. What’s up, Catty?

Curlicue: I wasn’t fired, Ronald! I quit. ‘Went on to better things.

Grump: Like what, Catty? A couple of failed talk shows?

Curlicue: I’ll disregard that totally inaccurate statement if you don’t mind, Ronald.

Grump: I don’t mind ‘cause you know how I love woman (he winks at her). What do you got for me?

Curlicue: How can you possibly say you have the Latino vote sewed up in light of the fact that you keep on denigrating them? I’ve seen no evidence that what you state about your popularity with American Latinos is actually true.

Mexican wallGrump: Are you kidding, Catty! I love Mexicans! I love Mexico! In fact, I’ve stated on several occasions that the Mexicans are much smarter than any of our politicians. As soon as I get the Mexican government to foot the bill for that massive wall I’m going to put up between us and them, then you’ll see the influx of those characters with calves as big as cantaloupes dry up.

Curlicue: How are you going to get the Mexican government to pay for that wall?

Grump: I wanted to limit question to one per person for this press conference, but with you, Catty, I’ll make an exception because, you know, how much I love you and all women (he winks at Curlicue). How am I going to get them to pay, you ask? That’s simple. We’re going to holdinternment camp every person in this country with a Mexican surname hostage until the government down there pays up! We’ll set up internment camps like we did with the Japs during World War Two. Put them to work in those camps making sombreros, piñatas, and ponchos that we’ll sell for a profit to China and Japan once we get them to cry uncle over economic concerns. Simple, huh! OK. Next question. Let me see . . . Over there! I know you! You’re the creator and founder of that great organization, Americans for Rebel Flags, right?

Southern racistCooter Harley: Right you are, sir! I’m getting’ really concerned about the Negras in my state, South Carolina. As you know, they forced our Gov’ner to take down our precious flag from the Capitol building. I’m fearin’ that will set into motion other demands by the Negras, maybe even force private businesses to sell stuff to them even though it would be ‘gainst their religious principles.

Grump: As you are well aware, I am for religious liberty. Jesus, in my book, should be the head ofwedding cake state in America and Christianity the State Religion. However, I’m not sure even our Neocon & Bagger-controlled Supreme Court will go along with the idea of preventing black folks from enjoying the same rights as you and I. Now, if, for instance, you own a bakery and refuse to put plastic images of a black couple on top of the wedding cake, well, that’s a different issue. I can see you refusing to do that on religious grounds. ‘Tell ‘em to get lost . . . go across the tracks to the other side of town and do business with a black-owned bakery. I hope that answers your question . . .

There’s a ruckus at the back of the room as a beautiful, blond, blue-eyed, shapely woman enters through a side door, avoiding security.

trump vs kellyGrump: Oh! Look who we’ve got here, broads and gentlemen! It’s my nemesis from Phox Snooze, Megaton Shelly! What’s the matter, Megaton? Didn’t get enough insults from me during the debate and you’re back for more?

Someone hands Shelly the mic.

Shelly: I’m a professional reporter who asked you legitimate questions and you refused to answer them, that’s all. She hands the mic to a reporter next to her has she affixes her false eyelashes in place.

Grump: You know, Megaton, I talked to your boss yesterday. He and I came to an agreement one happy familythat we’d not be at each other’s throats during this campaign season. That, in effect, throws you under the bus! You know, he’s not going to let you ask me those ridiculous questions about calling broads like you names—names, by the way, I think are entirely appropriate!

Shelly: That is a disappointment, Mr. Grump. I thought my boss had more class than that! Wait a minute . . . I take that back. What I meant to say is I thought he’d give more consideration to me as a professional, highly-qualified reporter who is as pretty as any other blond, blue-eyed, shapely reporter at Phox Snooze.

voodooGrump: That you are, all those qualifications, Megaton, except, for maybe being qualified as a reporter. You’re a bimbo just like the rest of those broads over at Phox Snooze. I can say that now knowing that your boss will still kiss my ass no matter what I say about you and your program. Isn’t ittrump great to have that much power over the press! Tell you what, Megaton, come up here and give your Daddy a hug. Let’s make bygones be bygones, especially since I’ve got so much power over you now.

It seems that Shelly can’t take it anymore. She removes one of her stiletto high-heeled shoes and throws it at Mr. Grump. He ducks behind the podium to avoid the missile.

Grump: Come on, Megaton! You can do better than that! Try it with your other shoe!high heels

She obeys his command, and misses again. With the tossing of the other shoe, security grabs ahold of Ms. Shelly as she screams obscenities at Mr. Grump. She’s removed from the room as the other reporters remain silent.

Grump: OK. Do you folks wonder why I am now the king of the roost in our Party? No doubt, we are going to get another poll after that incident that puts me even further away from those jerks I’m running against! You see, America now respects those of us who speak our mind; they really Trump as mexicandon’t give a shit about what I say, just how I say it—even though I’ll have plenty to say in two weeks when I present my position paper! And I’m going to keep it up! If the Neocon and Bagger Party doesn’t treat me right, well, we’re talkin’ third party! I’ve got the world on a string, sitting on a rainbow, got the ring around my finger, as it were. I’m invincible! Nobody can touch me now! Watch out world, ‘cause here I come!

With that last tirade, Mr. Grump abruptly leaves the stage. drunken reporterEveryone present gives him a standing ovation. Down at a famous bar near the auditorium, members of the press gather to talk about what they have just witnessed. The consensus is there’s a real possibility that Ronald Grump will be the standard bearer for the Neocons and Baggers and that he actually has a chance of beating Pillory for the big prize.

eyelashesBack at the empty auditorium, Megaton quietly walks down an isle in her bare feet, bends over and picks up the false eyelashes she lost during the scuffle with security.

 

 

 

 

Sixty-Fourth Episode – The Hateful, Humdrum, Hilarious Debate

Scene: At a basketball arena in Ohio, the warm up acts for the 2016 Neocon & Bagger Debate between ten of the most hateful, humdrum, hilarious candidates for their Party’s nomination globetrottersends. As the Harlem GlobeTreckers exit the stadium, as the white men in blackface who had just performed an old Vaudeville routine exit stage right, and as the images of aborted fetuses blackfacefades from the big screen TV, the moderators, Chet Aspirin, Megatun Shelly, and Pris Walnut enter and take their seats. Some folks in the audience are still humming lyrics from the songs, Sweet Georgia Brown and Mississippi Mud . . .

megyn 2Megatun: Well, here we are—finally!—for this debate which has been greatly anticipated by everyone except liberals, progressives, atheists, agnostics, Socialists, Muslims, uppity woman, disgruntled black people, insufferable main stream media reporters, arrogant, stuffy, Europeans, and assorted misanthropes from around the world! Let me introduce our contestants—excuse me—our debaters as they walk on stage. First we have Teddy Ruze, Senator from Texas and a dead ringer for a pastclown car 2 Senator from Minnesota! Next we have Randy Dandy Pauli, Senator from Kentucky with that gorgeous head of hair! Here comes Doctor Bent Cranium, famous neuro-something-or-other. Rotundo Globosity, Governor of New Jersey is here in all his bombastic glory! Mic Hucklebuckle, ex-Governor from Arkansas, please take your place behind the lectern—yes, that’s the one, the one with the crucifix in front! Scottfree Stalker, current Governor from scott walkerWisconsin and dismember-er of working class Unions in his state! Mavelus Rubineous, Senator from the great state of Texas? Excuse me, fromTrump 3 Florida! Ohio’s very own Governor, Jonny Cautious, come take a bow! Obadiah Crotchhair, the second richest candidate, come on down! And last but certainly not least, Ronald Grump, leader in the polls and a personal enemy of mine!

wallaceWalnut: Welcome, gentlemen and Ronald Grump! You all know the rules of this gathering, so let’s get right to it. The first question will be addressed to all of you. How has God played a role in your decision to run for president? You first, Governor Hucklebuckle.

Hucklebuckle: Are you kidding? I’ve got a personal relationship with Jesus. We’re on a first name basis! He toldhuckster me just last night that I’m his first choice for president. And he hinted that very soon the Rapture will take place and he wants me at his side as we decide who goes with us to the Pearly Gates and who stays behind to suffer eternal damnation. It doesn’t look good for infidels, liberals and Muslims, he tells me! Jews? Well, that depends upon their accepting Him as their Savior.

Walnut: Great! Now Senator Ruse.

cruz 2Ruse: As you know, my father was a drunkard and one time and thenJesus found Jesus. Although he deserted our family and we all hated him for that, we now accept him because Jesus showed him the way back home. Just like Governor Hucklebuckle, I too have a personal relationship with God. Unlike the Governor, I don’t brag about it; I just accept His guidance and He’s giving me tips on how to secure the presidency. He was instrumental in formulating my stance on how to deal with the poor, the downtrodden and dispossessed in this country.

Walnut: Next, ex-Governor Crotchhair.

Crotchhair: Jesus has been a guiding force in the Crotchhair family. He jebcounseled my brother and gave him the go-ahead to carry on his Crusade against the dreaded Muslims in Iraq and Afghanistan. And like my brother, I will seek Jesus’ advice in dealing with the dreaded Islamic menace in the Middle East. I’m hoping He will see fit to change the climate in that area, make thunder and lightning storms ubiquitous, and use His power strike down all of those infidels!  Now, that would be climate change I could believe in!

Walnut: Doctor Cranium?

CarsonCranium: Well, it’s about time you got around to me! Is it because I’m, well, you know? Anyhow, whenever I operated on someone’s brain, Jesus was there to guide the scalpel. Without His assistance, there’s no way I would have become the best brain surgeon on God’s green Earth. I will seek his advice when I become president. Oh! By the way, I just loved that performance of those fellows blackface!

Chet Aspirin: Excuse me, Pris, but this discussion aboutbret God seems to be dragging on past the allotted time (boos from the audience). Sorry, folks, but we have to get on to another subject to keep this debate going.

Grump: What about me? I love Jesus, too!

Walnut: I’m sorry, Mr. Grump. We have to move on.

Trump 1Grump: (Whispering under his breath) The little faggot! He’s had it against me even since I kicked his father in the shins during that 44 Minutes interview.

Aspirin: Our next topic is foreign affairs. We’ll start with you, Mr. Grump, since you seem so insistent to start jabbering.

Grump smiles, looks at the audience, and raises his arms over hisde-evolution head to elicit applause. He gets a rousing reaction to his gesture.

Aspirin: So, tell us Mr. Grump, what would you do about the Islamic fanatics?

Grump: President Yo’Mama is an idiot. He doesn’t know what the hell he’s doing over there! HeTrump 2 won’t let the military do what they’re designed to do: kill rag heh. . . excuse me, kill terrorists! Here’s what I would do. First, increase the size of the military; increase their budget by a trillion dollars. Recruit more soldiers from the ghetto—you know, those worthless characters who go around killing innocent cops; put their viciousness to good use! Second, bomb the hell out of Iran, Syria, send drones over every other miserable country in that region and when the thing comes across what appears to be terrorists, kill those suckers indiscriminately; terrorize them just as much as they’ve terrorized us . . .

Aspirin: Sorry, Mr. Grump. Your allotted time just expired.

Grump: But I have all sorts of great ideas . . .

aspirinAspirin: Sorry. We’ll get back to you on other topics, I promise.

Grump: (Whispering under his breath) Look at that jerk’s big, round head! He looks like a Thanksgiving Day parade balloon!

Aspirin: I think we should hear from Senator Pauli on this because he is the only one here tonight who doesn’t want to kill Islamist terrorists.

Pauli: That’s not true! I hate those infidels just as much as anyone on this stage! I just don’t wantrand paul to spend our nation’s treasure and create more vets in the process of getting rid of them! You didn’t ask me about guidance from Jesus. Well, I would beg him to hurry up with the Rapture; you know, kill off all of those Muslim in one, fell swoop since they won’t accept Him as their savior. That goes for Jews and atheists, too! Ops! I take that back about Jews. There’s never been a Christian on the face of the Earth who has supported the Jews like I have!

Aspirin: Fine, Senator Pauli. I’ll pick one more candidate to tackle this problem. Let’s see, how about you, Governor Stalker?

walkerStalker: What about me? Oh, yeah. Those terrorists. Well, I haven’t given it much thought. Actually, I have given it a lot of thought. Let me see, my views on this problem have changed over the years. First, I wanted to just drop a bunch of hydrogen bombs on those suckers, but that would destroy most of their oil wells. Now, I’m in favor of continuing economic sanctions so severe that eventually they would all cry Uncle. President Yo’Mama wants to appease them. I want to punish them. That’s the difference between me, Yo’Mama and Pillory.

Aspirin: Before we get off this subject, I want to ask all of you the following question. Your answer will require nothing more than the raising of hands. Here’s the question: All of you except possibly Senator Pauli want to use the military option exclusively against Islamic terrorists. Would you personally join the Marines, suit up, asked to be sent to Iran during mop up operations after we’ve bombed all of their nuclear facilities?

All of the debaters look at one another, some shuffle their feet; all of them start to sweat profusely through their makeup. Governor Globosity farts loudly, but that doesn’t break the silence.  A full minute passes as the moderator waits for their reaction. The audience remains silent, apparently embarrassed for the debaters. They start to fidget asaudiance the dead air continues. Finally, Ronald Grump is the only one to raise his hand.  Then the audience comes to life.

Aspirin: So, I see Mr. Grump is the only one to signal that he would go over there as a Marine. Tell us, Mr. Grump, why you’ve reacted in this way?

Grump: Look at these sissies! I know what’s going on here! They all love to start, support and profit from wars, but ask them or their kids to fight in them and you see what their reaction is! soldierAlthough I’m an old guy, out of shape and not a very good shot with a gun, sure, I’d go over there. The only requirement I would demand is that I be flown over there in my private jet, trumps wivesthat I be provided my own mansion in the Green Zone, that I have a stand-in to do the actual fighting and that my wife and ex-wives accompany me, you know, for morale purposes.

All of the other debaters looked relieved as Grump finishes his tirade. Megatun Shelly immediately takes over for Aspirin, seeing that silence has stopped the interaction.  She squirms in her chair.

MEgynShelly: OK. That question seems to have been a non-starter. Anyhow, let’s see . . .

At this point in the program, a contestant from the previous debate among also-rans runs up on stage. It’s Clarabelle Forensic, ex-CEO of a famous electronics and software company!

Forensic: What the hell is going on here! Why wasn’t I chosen to be among these pathetic characters instead of sitting in a kiddie seat having to debate those six losers they put me in with?fiorina

Security rushes on stage and run toward Ms. Forensic. The audience erupts in applause at the thought that finally the humdrum of the program would finally become exciting! A security personnel grab Ms. Forensic.

copsForensic: Get your filthy hands off of me, you pathetic peasant! Don’t you know who I am?

Grump: Yeah! We know who you are! A failed CEO of a major company! A broad who spent millions of dollars in a failed bid to become Governor of California! That’s who you are! Jeez! If I invested money like that and got no return, I’d be hiding out somewhere!

fightingForensic breaks loose of the grip of the rent-a-cop and rushes over to Grump. Before she can be further Kasichrestrained, she grabs Grump’s hair and pulls it off! Grump hits Forensic in the face, making her fall to the ground! All of the security personnel, Shelly, Aspirin, and Walnut rushriot toward the battling contestants! Finally, hundreds of member of the audience rush on stage. A may lay begins. The other debaters rush off stage, except for Jonny Cautious and Rotundo Globosity who are still waiting to be questioned.

Finally, order is restored. The television blackout of the event which began as Ms. Forensic made her appearance is over.

megyn 1Shelly: You folks at home are probably wondering why our program was suddenly taken off the air. Well, we had a medical emergency. It seems that one of our debaters sustained an injury to his head. The other debater fell and broke . . . ummm . . . a broken a nose resulted from the fall. I hereby declare this debate over! To fill the rest of the two hours allotted to this debate, the producer has decided to bring back on stage our opening acts.

With that proclamation, the Harlem GlobeTreckers rush into the arena, hop on stage and begin to toss a basketball around in their own, inimitable way. Afterlawn jockey cheneytheir performance, the white actors assemble in their black face makeup and lawn jockey attire to entertain the audience. After they leave the stage, the big screen television in the arena starts showing a pre-recorded interview of ex-Vice President Dick D’Firment Chainsaw as he pontificates on the many successes of his administration and his unabashed support of water boarding of everyone not like him.

rebel flagAt the conclusion of the show, reporters outside of the arena assemble and ask members of the audience about their reaction to the debate. Overwhelmingly, the consensus seems to be that the opening and closing acts to the debate should have been extended. As the evening comes to a close, as members of the audience begin to disperse and head for their transportation away from the arena, the humming of Sweet Georgia Brown and Mississippi Mud fills the air. One man is singling the lyrics to In Coon Town, an old Johnny Rebel song.

 

 

 

Sixty-Third Episode – Vagina Multi-Logue

Huckabee3Scene: Mic Hucklebuckle, one of the many Neocon & Baggers running for his Party’s nomination for president, invites several, like-minded members to his house for a discussion about tactics. It’s Mic’s view that his Party must adhere to its present Platform on anti-choice; that it’s a woman’s responsibility to submit “graciously” to their husband’sRush 3 demands, and that woman shouldn’t depend upon government for birth control. Present at the meeting are ex-Neocon & Bagger Senate Nominee Vestal Achen from Missouri, Plush Dipsheets, thrice-divorced, vicious radio personality known for his hatred of woman, Representative Virgo Intacta of New Jersey, and Neocon & Bagger ex-Senate candidate Penile Moribund from Indiana.

(Author’s Note: The various legislative bills referred to in the following discussion are genuine, about to be introduced or have been introduced by state or federal legislators).

Mic: I’m glad you could all make it to this meeting. What I want to discuss is of utmost importance. As you know, there are several of my fellow running mates who have gotten kind of soft on abortion, birth control and other God-prohibited activities that if allowed to wither and armegeddon 2die would probably lead to Armageddon—not that that’sarmegeddon a particularly bad thing, you understand. I just wanted to know if you fellows are with me and that I can expect your support in my run for our Party’s nomination. It’s especially important that those softies don’t do anything to alter our Party’s Platform in any way.

Plush: It’s still too early for me to endorse your candidacy, Mic. But I’ll tell you this: You’re at the top of my list but just as long as you’re with me on my contention thatPlush 1 woman who want to have their birth control devices provided free-of-charge by the government should be classified as sluts.

Mic: I’ll go along with that. Maybe the word slut is not politically correct, but it does accurately describe their position.

komasutraVirgo: Talking about positions, did you see that horrendous display of depravity on the website, comasutrababy.orgasm?

Vestal: No. That’s a new one. I guess I’ve got to check that out to, you know, get an idea of just how debauched the web has become!

Plush: My favorite website is littleboyswhocry.com. You know how dedicated I am at finding every incident in our society of men taking advantage of the naiveté of little boys—and identifying the culprits on my radio show!

pedolphile priestMic: Yes. You’ve been stalwart in bringing attention to thosechoir boys poor, little naked boys who’ve been exploited by degenerates—especially by those Catholic priests! I thank Jesus that I’m a Baptist. We don’t have a problem with that sort of thing in my church.

Penile: Ever since I lost the race for Senate in my state, I’ve been pressuring our Neocon & Bagger Congressmen to institute necessary laws to make our nation without peer the moral andtodd akin ethical leaders of the world. I suppose you’ve all heard of the law I want passed that would redefine rape to exclude drugging a woman and raping her, or getting her drunk and raping her?

Vestal: I think South Dakota has the right thing in mind to make it legal to murder anyone who injures or threatens a fetus—including a doctor who provides an abortion . . . and the woman should be prosecuted for murder, also.

rapistMic: I’m sick and tired of loose women who cry rape when, in actuality, they are asking for it! I think Georgia has a state legislator who wants to change the legal term for victims of rape, stalking and domesticstockholm syndrome violence to accuser. That would give the so-called rapist the upper hand when some hussy accuses him of rape. Or, at least put him on an even keel.

Virgo: I fully endorse the Neocon and Bagger bill in Congress that would let hospitals allow a woman to die rather thanpro-life perform an abortion those bleeding heart, liberal doctors say would be necessary to save her life. I know there’s a chance both the mother and the baby would die together, but it’s the thought that counts.

Plush: It’s all that money that would go to federal family planning programs that get my goat!horney goat Speaking of goats, I go along with Neocon & Bagger Congressman Dan Sadism who introduced a bill to provide contraception for wild horses and goats. Now, there’s something we should be worried about . . . all those wild horses and goats having offspring like welfare mothers!

Mic: In addition to putting the kibosh on abortions and birth control, I like the idea of endorsing that spending bill that would cut funding for employment services, meals and housing for senior citizens. Those old folks should have taken responsibility what would jesus cutfor their lives early on and accumulated enough wealth—you know, like Defense industry higher-ups, Wall Street stock brokers, insidegreedy people traders, and hedge fund managers.

So, it looks like we’ve agreed that something needs to be done to exercise our morally and ethically-superior life styles on the nation. The problem as I see it is changing demographics.

Plush: Yeah. If it wasn’t for all of our Governors making it hard for blacks and other minorities togeneration Y vote, I’m sure we would have lost several key positions in Congress. I loved it that those Millennials, Gen-Xers, Y-ers and woman who value their so-called right to control their bodies stayed home in droves during the last election! I hope it happens again next year!

birth controlVirgo: Don’t forget gerrymandering. Without that, those heathen Other Party members would be in our offices, making things even more difficult for us to pass Christian-inspired legislation.

Mic: Speaking of Christian, I’m sorry I didn’t start our discussion with a prayer after you all arrived. How forgetful of me!

Vestal: I’m sure our Lord would understand. After all, what we are doing or want to do is in His name.

Mic: Regardless, let’s all bow our heads in prayer at this time.men praying

All of the attendees gather in a circle and bow their heads as Mic recites something extemporaneously . . .

Oh, Lord God in Heaven, please help us in our quest to bring Your Word to the heathen masses of our great, Christian nation.  This is not a case of infidels not knowing what they have done or are about Religious leadersto do as far as the treatment of woman in our society. There is a concerted attempt on their part to make women equal partners in society by trying to quash necessary legislation that would—for lack of a better term—keep them in their places of honoring men. As in Timothy 2:11-12, “Let a woman learn quietly with all submissiveness. I do not permit a woman to teach or to exercise authority over a man; rather, she is to remain quiet.” So, we will follow your lead. We will try to prevent with due diligence all attempts to give woman the help for post bornpower to decide on the fate of the baby in their belly. We will not let liberals and progressives take funds from our Treasury to finance Planned Parenthood—a hideous institution whose only goal is to abort fetuses and sell their remains to immoral and unethical research facilities. We will fight any attempt to place the value of a mother’s life above that of the baby in loose womanher womb. Finally, we will brand harlots as such: wenches whose only function in life is to provide sex to a man whose wife will not submit to his carnal desires. Amen.

Amen is repeated by everyone present. Mic Hucklebuckle thanks everyone and reiterates his plea for their endorsement of his candidacy. No endorsement is offered by any of the attendees as they leave the premises. Following the car of Virgo Intacta, we see it enter the parking lot of thestrip joint local Bosoms & Beer eatery and strip joint. Plush Dipsheets’ chauffeur pilots his limo to the underground parking lot adjacent to a theater featuring the play entitled, Choir Boys or Young Men? Vestal Achen walks across the street from fortune teller 2Mic Hucklebuckle’s house and enters the abode of Madam Trusantë who he hopes will give him a prediction on how he will fare with his secretary on Monday morning. He didn’t make an appointment, but he’s sure he’ll be well-received.

Mike and tedMic Hucklebuckle goes downstairs to his personal vicarage and locks the door behind him.  Already present is a Rock n’ Roll band mate of his.  He picks up his electric guitar and they start a jam session.  The sound of Sweet Home Alabama fills the air . . .

 

 

 

Sixty-Second Episode – A Day in the Life of Floyd Von Stinkelbaum

whore on streetScene: Early morning at the Von Stinkelbaum’s residence in Manhattan. Floyd nudges his bed mate, waking her. He can’t remember her name since they just met on the street the previous afternoon.

FVS: Hey! It’s time to get up! My wife will be here within an hour or so. She’s probably at the airport right now.

Mandy: Yeah. You guys are all alike! Wham, bam, thank you mam, she says with a sly grin.

FVS: Yeah. Right. I pay you ten grand and you come up with that sarcastic bullshit.

Mandy: So, where is it?fat man out of bed

Floyd puts on his robe, goes into another room, and comes back with an envelope. He throws it on the bed next to Mandy.

Mandy: Well, it looks like it’s all here. Thanks, Floyd, that was quite an evening. Can we get together again sometime?

FVS: You lower your price, sure.

Mandy: No wonder you’re so damn rich! Is there anything you don’t bargain for?

FVS: You said it. That’s why I’m so damn rich.

perfumeMandy dresses, grabs her envelope, walks downstairs and leaves the premises. Floyd rips the sheets off the bed and does something he’s probably never done before: Makes up the bed with clean sheets—well, he sort of makes up the bed. He’s mainly concerned about the strong order of perfume Mandy left behind.

After showering and shaving, including skimming his entire head, Floyd puts on his Alexander Amosu Vanquish II Bespoke suit and ties the laces on his Testoni shoes. He’s out the door within ten minutes androlls royce hops into his chauffeured, Rolls Royce Phantom limo. Time is wasting, so he instructs the driver to “step on it.” Every minute spent away from his office may result in millions of dollars lost in revenue for himself and his company, Sacks of Gold.

Speeding through the streets of New York attracts the attention of a traffic cop who immediately turns on his flashing lights and intercepts Floyd’s limo. The chauffeur rolls down her window as instructed by the officer.

traffic copOfficer: You know, you were going fifty miles an hour over the speed limit.

Chauffeur: Sorry, officer, but my passenger, Mr. Von Stinkelbaum, needs to get to his office immediately. Every minute away from his desk could mean the loss of millions of dollars for his company and stockholders.

Officer: Stinklebaum? You mean the guy who owns Sacks of Gold?

At this time, Floyd rolls down his window and asks the officer what the problem is.

Officer: Sorry, Mr. Stinklebaum, I didn’t know it was you in this limo. You can proceed to yourautograph building. But, could you give me your autograph first?

FVS: Sure, officer. Glad to oblige.

At the office of Sacks of Gold, Floyd is greeted by his staff as he proceeds to his spot at the top of the building.

smart phoneHe fires up his computer, looks at all of the monitors surrounding his office, picks up his Smart Phone and begins to call his contacts.

FVS: Gordon? Look. How are those hedge funds performing?man on phone

Gordon: The partnership is still limited, the funny cash is still flowing, and your investors aren’t curious about your strategy in all this. It’s the perfect situation for us . . . errrr, you, sir.

FVS: Great! Got to go.

Floyd hits a few buttons on his phone and Ronald answers.

trump nuts and boltsFVS: Ronald? Look. You have to stop this shit about running for president! That big mouth of yours and you dissing of those Mexicans and insulting Old Stager McCane has resulted in Sacks of Gold losing millions of dollars we had invested in your shit! Come home, baby!

Ronald: Look, Floyd. This is my only chance in life to become somebody besides a guy who buys and sells real estate. Have you looked at the polls today? I’m two points up on Crotchhair and the rest of those rubes aren’t even in the same ballgame!

FVS: Now, I know your net worth is slightly more than mine, but I guarantee you if you keep thisfloyd on ship shit up, alienating everyone on that side of the political spectrum, that you are going to lose all sorts of business deals. Pretty soon, you’ll be down to my league as far as our bottom lines are concerned.

Ronald: Like I said, Floyd. This may be my last chance at fame beyond the mere acquisition of wealth!

FVS: You’re a fucking megalomaniac, Ron!   This isn’t going to end well, you know!

Ronald Grump hangs up on Floyd.

FVS: (Saying to himself). Jesus! What a stupid fucker!

Floyd punches more buttons on his phone. He gets a recording of Pillory’s voice.

hillaryFVS: Come on, Pillory! Pick up the goddamn phone!

One of Pillory’s assistants answers.Monica

Moronica: Hello? Is that you, Mr. Stinkelbaum? This is Moronica Newvitsky!

FVS: Who? Aren’t you the woman who had that fling with the Big Dog? Is Pillory available?

Moronica: One in the same, Mr. Stinkelbaum! I got the job as her speech writer . . . well, I won’t go into how I got that. No. She’s out on the campaign trail. You know, I wrote the speech she’s going to deliver tonight before the Stainless Steel Workers Union! It will be about the huge disparity of wealth in America. It will not make you and Sack of Gold look good, but you know how politics works, right Mr. Stinkelbaum?

campaign financeFVS: Yeah. I know. Feed the pathetic peasants everything they want to hear and then screw them once she gets into office. Look, Veronica, have her call me as soon as she can. I want to know how much I and the rest of my staff can give her legally before the Feds start snooping around. And then leak the figure to the liberal press to confuse them. I have to let them know that I’m favoring her next year. ‘Can’t have them think for one minute that I’m supporting any of those rubes in that Clown Car.

Moronica: Sure, Mr. Stinkelbaum.

Floyd punches some more buttons on his phone.Kneel Bush

Kneel Crotchhair: That you, Floyd?

FVS: Yeah. How’s that hostile takeover going?

Kneel: Which one? We’ve got plenty on the burner.

FVS: Sinofy-Adventurous—that healthcare company. We got it?

Kneel: That’s still up in the air, chief.

FVS: Call me when it’s a done deal, OK, Crotchhair?

Kneel: You bet!

lawn jockeyFloyd looks at his appointments for the rest of the day. He’s scheduled to attend a power lunch with some executives from Alabama and Mississippi—something concerning the sales of Confederate flags, lawn jockey manufacturing that may be turned over to Vietnam, and moving the manufacture of military assaultconfederate flag weapons from Connecticut to a less hostile area south of the Mason/Dixon line. He wonders why his staff has made this appointment since the deals seem worthless in his billion-dollar world. Floyd’s limousine deposits him at the entrance to the KnowMad restaurant. He’s ushered to the table occupied by the business owners from the south. Beau and Cleon greet him.

Beau: Nice to finally meet y’all, Mr. Stinkelbaum. So, tell me. Is your name Jewish? I mean, notSouthern gent that it matters.  Can I buy you a mint julep?

FVS: Yes. My ancestors are from Germany.  No thanks.

Cleon: I thought Hitler and his bunch got rid of y’all way back when.

FVS: They got everyone except my parents (he says with a grin).

french restaurantCleon: Well, I’m glad they didn’t get them! That would mean y’all wouldn’t be talkin’ to us at this here restaurant. By the way, is this some sort of Frenchie place?

FVS: Yeah. They also serve Spanish and that sort of food.

Beau: You mean sort of Mexican food?

FVS: Spanish, not Mexican. There’s a difference, you know.

Beau: OK. Let’s get down to silver tacks here. We’re thinkin’ of moving our plants that manufacture black lawn jockeys to those Commies in Vee-at-nam. ‘Seems that ‘though we have a huge callin’ for those things, pressure is comin’ from lib-ril groups movin’ into our territory who don’t quite cotton to those things. It’s part of our hair-a-tig, y’know.

assult riflesCleon: An’ we need to convince that Arms Company in Connecticut that they’d improve their profits if they moved their plant down to Amite, Mississippi. I gar-un-tee y’all that the Negras in the area will work for prak-ly nuthin’ makin’ those ‘salt rifles.  They ain’t got nothin’ else to do.

FVS: So, I guess under present circumstances the manufacturing of Confederate flags is a losing concern?

Cleon: Far from it. You see, there’s this underground demand for that flag. We just have tuh move the makin’ of that proud, southern symbol offshore. We’ll still be sellin’ gobs of ‘em.

Beau: Waaaaaaaaaaaaay offshore.floyd in bank vault

FVS: I see. Well, you know, this is not exactly a really profitable thing for Sacks of Gold to get involved in. We deal with billion dollar enterprises and this, simply, isn’t in that category.

JindalCleon: But, Senator Ruze an’ that Indian Governor from Luz-i-ana said you’d help us with this deal.

Beau: You are on our side of politics, ain’t you Mr. Stinkelbaum?

FVS: Oh, yes! Every time I hear one of those sniveling liberals onliberal TV talk about the huge disparity in income between me and the peasantry in this country . . . and us buying votes . . . and us buying politicians, well, my blood starts to boil.

Cleon: So, you gonna’ help us out here?

FVS: I’ll see what I can do. I’ll get Kneel Crotchhair to give you a call, OK? His expertise is Savings and Loan deals, but I’m sure he can do something for you gentlemen.

Beau: Good ‘nuff fer me, Mr. Stinklebaum!french dip

Floyd excuses himself before his meal arrives, leaving the southern gentlemen to figure out how to get escargot out of their shells.

Back in his limo, Floyd joins his wife who had just been picked up at the airport.

FVS: Oh! Hello, dear. How did your flight go?

snoty womanMrs. Stinklebaum: We ran out of caviar half way between Paris and New York.  And it was inferior caviar at that!

FVS: Sorry about that, dear. I’ll have my men do something about that right away.

Mrs. Stinklebaum: So, how did your day go?

Before Floyd could answer, the TV in the limo broadcasts Wisconsin’s Governor’s declaration of running for president. Inscott walker his speech, the Governor declares his fitness for the office by reviewing his success in busting Unions, preventing woman from easily securing abortions, stopping minimum wage increases and declaring that welfare recipients will have to undergo drug tests in his state before getting their first check.

Mrs. Stinklebaum: When are those peasants going to finally realize that little people can’t just get a welfare check from Uncle Sam like they are entitled to it?

FVS: Yes, dear.

Floyd’s smart phone rings. He answers.ssniffing coke

Floyd: What the eff! What do you mean you were busted for cocaine possession? *

Gordon: It’s OK, chief. The first call I made was to the Commissioner. He said he’d take care of it right away. He assured me that this won’t leak out to the press.

Floyd: If you weren’t so good at your job I’d get rid of your ass in a New York minute.

corporate welfareWhat about those tax breaks and subsidies from the Feds we were anticipating?

Gordon: That’s a done deal, chief . . . the check’s in the mail!

* (http://nypost.com/2013/03/17/new-high-finance/).

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sixty-First Episode – Plugging the Barrel of a Loose Canon

donaldScene: At the Neocon & Bagger Headquarters, Rancid Prehensile, the N & B Party Chairman, makes several phone calls to hastily assemble a meeting. The subject of the gathering will be, of course, how to deal with Ronald Grump, the “on-paper billionaire” hero of the Baggers who is spewing forth racist, bigoted remarks which are endemic to his Party, but nevertheless chauffeured limosinepresent an embarrassment as election season approaches. Within a few hours, Cavernous Disfunction (Speaker of the House), Saint Paul Lyon (Wisconsin Representative), and The Turtle (Senate Majority Leader) show up in their chauffeured limousines at the Party Headquarters.

Prehensile: Welcome, gentlemen! I’m glad you could all make it on such short notice!rancid

tanning lampDisfunction: Yeah. This better be good, Rancid. You took me away from my daily tanning lamp appointment.

Lyon: And I had just finished running one of my sub-2:20 Marathons. Anyone here have a bottle of electrolytes?

The Turtle: What the hell is an electro bite? Sounds like another word for an electric chair.

marathon runnerLyon: Electrolytes is a solution that the human body has to have when engaging in intense, physical activity . . . like running a Marathon.

Disfunction: Well, that’s something I’ll never need! I forgot my lighter. Anyone have a match to light my Camel? Where’s the liquor cabinet in this joint? It’s three o’clock . . . cocktail hour!

Disfunction goes to the other side of the room andBoner 2 opens the liquor cabinet.

Prehensile: OK. The reason for this meeting is to discuss what to do about Grump. He’s an embarrassment to us as I’m sure you are all aware.

The Turtle: He’s only an embarrassment because he’s—shall we say—crudely stating what our base loves to hear. The really embarrassing part is that he’s leading in the polls.

the turtleLyon: And the liberal press is really having a field day with that statistic!

Disfunction: Yeah. It’s hard to disown that creep and still keep on the side of our ignorant, bigoted, racist base. We’re caught between a rock an’a hard place. Speaking of rocks, where can I get some ice cubes for myice cube drink?

Disfunction goes over to the liquor cabinet.

Lyon: Any Crocodile Juice in there, Cave?

Disfunction: Crocodile Juice? No, I don’t see any of those electro bites in here. We do have makings for a Shirley What’s-her-name, though. And here’s some tomato juice . . . does that have some of those electro bites?

Prehensile: Could we get back to the matter at hand?rancid2

The Turtle: Well, I don’t have any ideas on how to deal with this character. No matter what we do, he wins and we lose. We tell our base that he doesn’t represent the N & B Party, and they throw a hissy fit. We keep our mouths shutturtle 4 and don’t comment on his obvious racist remarks and we get criticized for that by the moderates. We come out in support for what he’s saying and all hell breaks loose on the pages of the New York Mimes.

Lyon: I think it’s best if we just let him rant and rave about shit. The best course of action is wait-and-see if he just fizzles out.

Boner 4Disfunction: That gives me a great idea! How about a diversionary tactic of some sort? You know, to take the headlines away from this creep. The American public is always looking for more scandals and shit . . . so we just come up with one!

Lyon: Like what?

The Turtle: Well, that Mexican drug lord’s son says he’s putting a contract out on Grump because of all those unsavory things he’s said about Mexicans.

Lyon: Yeah! What we do is find us a Mexican who looks just like that guy’s son, give him a Tweetryan 3 and MugBook account, and go from there! And we circulate rumors that the FBI and the CIA is supplying him with a drone to Mexican drug gangfly over one of Grump’s campaign appearances to blow him to bits!

Disfunction: Yeah! In that way we can get Yo’Mama’s administration involved in the plot since we’ve done a good job linking that Nig . . . linking him with other CIA misdeeds!

Prehensile: Oh, come on! The public will never fall for something as outrageous as that!

Disfunction: Are you kidding? I mean, look at the most popular TV programs these days: Reality shows . . . shit like that. What could be more real than a plot to take out ol’ Grump?

prebusPrehensile: Alright. Alright. Let’s get back down to Earth, here. We need to come up with something that at least smacks of realism. How about if we get our plants over at the IRS to do a little investigating of Grump’s finances? You know, the guy’s filed for bankruptcies more times than Cavernous have basked under a sun lamp (he says with a grin).

Disfunction didn’t hear that comment since he was across the room with his head stuck in the liquor cabinet.

Lyon: Yeah. I think that’s a workable plan. But the problem is how the Bagger base will react tolyon that?

Disfunction: (back at the meeting) We’ve managed to tie the Yo’Mama administration to the IRS like they’re sleeping together. We blame it on Yo’Mama, you know, like everything else we’ve blamed him for.

turtle 6The Turtle: You know, that IRS deal will only make Grump madder than hell. I think instead of bombs he might start throwing nukes our way. The guy is unmanageable. He’ll say and do anything to keep him and that wig of his in the public spotlight. God! What an ugly wig!

Lyon: Yeah. He absolutely loves the position he’s in now. You know another thing not in our favor? The folks over at Phox Snooze just love the guy! Every interview they do of him has them kissing his ass; never asking him to explain his positions. You saw that interview he did with Ms. BEBBBB, right?

The Turtle: Yeah. We’ve trained them well in that respect. Now, they’re coming back to haunt us.bib boobs By the way, Ms. BEBBBB has a great set of knockers!

Disfunction: Yeah, she does. I wish I could get my hands on those babies! . . .Talk about training and coming back to haunt us, you know we’ve been throwing raw meet to those ignorant Baggers even since they arrived on the scene in 2010. We’ve treated them like they are our children. We can’t just hope at this point in time that they’ll start abandoning Grump since he’s a mirror image of them . . . except, of course, they are as poor as dirt and Grump’s as rich as Croesus.

turtle 5The Turtle: OK. How about if we got back into that equality bullshit; that big disparity between the rich and the poor crap? That could affect what those poor Baggers think of him.

Lyon: No. That isn’t going to work. We’ve managed to successfully get those dumb jerks to dismiss every bad thing we’ve been doing to them over the last couple ofignoant llpeople decades like keeping their wages stagnant and sending their sons and daughters to fight in wars we support and profit from . . . by getting them to hate Yo’Mama for his religion, birthplace color, intelligence to keep their mind off of all the trickery. Oh, my blessed Lord! Just think! Thirty percent of our party is so malleable; so subject to our every whim . . . and yet they love the guy we’re trying to harness.

Disfunction: I’m sort of leaning in the direction of letting Grump just go bonkers over this immigration thing. Maybe he’ll get to the point with his rhetoric where even the Baggers will look at him and say, “Jeez! This guy is nuttier than I am!”

clownsPrehensile: That ain’t likely to happen; they’re all nuts. You know what we really have to do? Get one or more of those seventeen guys of ours who are pining to be president to face down Grump.

The Turtle: No way. If they did, they’d automatically turn off our racist, bigoted base. That would automatically eliminate them from the primaries; where the Baggers are in complete control. But I think if anyone is up to that sort of thing, it would be Crotchhair.

Disfunction: Crotchhair is just as much a coward as his brother and Chainsaw. He might sayjeb something to Grump during the debates and then when Grump starts browbeating him, he’d shy away like a dog you just scolded for shitting on the living room carpet.

Prehensile: Before I called you guys to come here, I did a little investigating as far as a dirty trickster getting involved in this mess. Now I know that Rovian Vagabondage–Crotchhairs’ so-called brain who was instrumental in winning the elections for him–use to Mr. Evilbe our go-to guy for dirty tricks, but the Kook brothers got rid of him for a lack of performance. So, I made some phone calls and it seems there’s someone on the payroll who they call Mister Evil. According to my sources, this guy makes Vagabondage seem like an innocent choir boy in comparison.

The Turtle: So, what are his qualifications? What has he done in the past for us?

Prehensile: He was behind getting that stupid broad, Moanie Earnest, elected in Iowa. I don’t know the details, but my sources say he was responsible in some sort of way—maybe he came up with that pig castration shit. Oh! And hesarah was instrumental in sending Hari Iquitarod packing to that God-forsaken trailer court in Alaska since our ditsy broad was taking too much oxygen out of the room. You notice she’s no longer getting any attention from the media. I think he issued not-so-vailed threats to her. After all those millions she made off her fifteen minutes of fame, I think she’s probably happy to be hunting moose with that white trash in her neighborhood.

Lyon: Hmmmm. So you’re saying that we’re going to use a dirty trickster to get rid of one of our own . . . I mean like he got rid of Iquitarod?

lyon 3Prehensile: Mister Evil seems to be quite versatile (he says with a grin).turtle 2

With that last comment, Disfunction gets up from the table and heads for the liquor cabinet with his empty tumbler. Lyon dismisses himself and limps out of the room, obviously tired from the sub-2:20 Marathon he just ran. The Turtle leaves the room after pronouncing that he’s going to see a plastic surgeon about dramatically changing the structure of his jaw.

 

 

 

 

 

Sixtieth Episode – Grump Trumps Chumps

Author’s Note:

grumpyn grump 1. a surly or bad-tempered person

  1. (plural) a sulky or morose mood (esp in the phrase have the grumps)

(intr) to complain or grumble

———————————————————————————————————————joker

n trump to get the better of (an adversary or competitor, for example)

———————————————————————————————————————

super chumpn chump person who is easy to trick : a stupid or foolish person

———————————————————————————————————————

Scene – At the Phox Snooze studios, known for its catering to the most idiotic, crackbrained, dumb blond 2usually bigoted, sometimes racist members of the Neocon & Bagger Party, Ronald Grump is welcomed with open arms after his “insensitive” remarks about Mexicans and other topics of an incendiary nature among Phox Snooze’s audience. Again, as in the interview of ex-Vice President Chainsaw, Ms. BEBBBB (blue-eyed, bird-brained, buxom, bleach-blond) is the interviewer.

Ms. BEBBBB: Welcome, Mr. Ronald Grump!

Grump: Just call me Ron, beautiful!

Ms. BEBBBB: Well, OK! Ron . . . As you probly are . . . as you probly know, there’s a really big, like, whatchamacallit thing going on in the main steam media over your remarks about Mexicans.

trump 2Grump: Yeah. The main stream media, those lowly Other Party types, even members of our Party have their shorts all in a bunch over those remarks. I want you and everybody watching this show to know that I stand behind those remarks; they are totally accurate. You can Google lowly Mexican immigrants and see that I am telling the truth!

Ms. BEBBBB: I am sure you are sure of that. But, you know, even other members of our . . . excuse me . . . your Party who are running for to be president have badmouthed you for making that sort of remark.

Grump: What a bunch of sissies! They are thinking exactly what I am brave enough to bring outmexicn in the open! The base of our Party—the ones who should be thought of as the most important element of the Neocons and Baggers—hate illegal, Mexican immigrants—and for good reasons! Like I said, all they keep out mexicansbring with them over the border are diseases, an inferior culture and they are rapists, drug dealers . . . and as one of my favorite Representatives has attested to, most of ‘em have calves as big as cantaloupes! How ugly is that?

Ms. BEBBBB: What about Mr. Crotchhair? You know he has a Mexican wife, I think.

ivaaGrump: Yeah. He has a Mexican wife . . . a rather unattractive Mexican wife, at that. Have you seen my wife? She’s nearly as beautiful as you! Let me take that back. You are the equal of her beauty!

Ms. BEBBBB: (Her face turns a beet read color) Ron, I ugly mexicanappreciate your making that remark! You do have a really cute wife! Ummmm, back to this interview. If you become our president, what do you want to do to keep those ugly Mexicans from hoping over to our side of the border?

Grump: Simple. A really, really big and high wall with armed guards stationed along the entire stretch wall in mexicofrom California to Texas. You know, I’m also very worried about the lack of good-paying jobs in this country. Just think of how many jobs will be created in the construction industry, arms manufacturing that will make the guns those guards will be carrying, ammo manufacturers . . . not to mention employing all those guards. Having said all this, I want to state that all Mexicans aren’t like what I mentioned earlier. There are some of ‘em who actually are physically attractive, who don’t have fleas and carry mexican fooddiseases, who don’t fart after eating all of that spicy food . . . you know, but, all-in-all, those people are a minority according to what I’ve seen.

Ms. BEBBBB: But who will pay for that giant wall? Won’t that, like, be kinda’ expansive?

Grump: Correcto-Mundo . . . you didn’t know I speak Mexican, did you? It will be expansive and expensive. As far as paying for it, that’s simple. What we do is end all welfare benefits for anyone with a Mexican surname; we gather up as many illegals as we can find here and put them to work on the wall without paying them . . . maybe just give slavethem room and board, you know, because we don’t want to give anyone the impression that we are being cruel . . . those things and other things will bring in the billions of dollars we’ll need to construct, arm and maintain that wall.

Ms. BEBBBB: Well, how you gonna’ find out which Mexican is illegal andhitler which aren’t?

Grump: You know, that really doesn’t matter. After all, did Hitler worry about if there were any innocent Jews among the ones he eventually sent to the gas chamber?

At that point in the interview, the program suddenly little blue pillswitches to a commercial for Flaccid-NoMore erectile dysfunction medication. When the program returns, we see Ronald Grump look into the camera, unblinkingly and say the following: Look, ladies and gentlemen out there, I think I was rather rash in equating Mexicans with Jews. And I shouldn’t have said the wordanti semetic “Hitler” because I know that’s a sore spot among the many Jews in this country. I like Jews. Many of my friends in the money business are Jews. So, if I offended any Jews out there with my reference to Hitler, I am very sorry. As far as those Mexicans are concerned . . .

Ms. BEBBBB: Ummmmmmm . . . Ron . . .

jeb 2At this point in the “interview,” someone walks onto the set. Whenjebs wife the camera focuses on the interloper, we see that it’s Obadiah Crotchhair, Grump’s nemesis and competitor in the race for the Neocon & Bagger nomination for president. Apparently, no attempt is made by the crew on the set to pull Crotchhair off the stage. The sound portion also continues.

Crotchhair: Mr. Grump! I must say I am offended by your comments regarding Mexicans in general and my wife in particular!

Grump: You know, I really don’t care what you think Obie. I know that my net worth is much more than the entire Crotchhair family. By the way, who invited you here?

Crotchhair: I wasn’t invited. I knew you’d be here on this program after I looked into my TV Guide. But I knew you would be denigrating Mexicans and my wife! So . . .

Grump: So what? Look. You Crotchhairs have really screwed up this country. Just look at whatmy pet goat your brother did or didn’t do. He was reading a stupid fairytale to a bunch of school kids while I was watching my investments in the Worldtrump again Trade Center turn to rubble! He started a war that continues under that Muslim Kenyan in our White House! He was responsible for a near-Depression that made me lose several billion dollars in investments! What the hell are you doing in this race, anyhow?

Crotchhair: As I’ve said on many an occasion, I am my own man! I am not like my brother!jeb bush

Grump: Different? How?

Crotchhair: Well, I won’t go into that right now. I’ll wait until the debates next month to articulate those differences.

Grump: You see, my fellow Neocons and Baggers, what we’ve got here is yet another lifetime politician who refuses to reveal who and what he’s about! I, on the other hand, am not shy about telling you exactly what I believe and what needs to be done new deciderto rescue this country from the likes of that Nig . . . that guyKenyan obama with the Kenyan birth certificate in our White House! Crotchhair, here, is a coward just like the rest of my competitors for the job of the President of the United States!

Crotchhair: Sir, I am offended by your remarks about me and about my wife and about Mexicans! I am going to challenge you to a duel! You chose the weapons!

Grump: OK. ‘Sounds fine to me! How about if we get into adrink up drinking contest? The first person falling down dead drunk after consuming as much liquor as he can hold will drop out of the race

Ms. BEBBBB: How about using guns like in the olden days?

alexGrump: Yeah! Crotchhair, here, would have as much chance as that guy on the five dollar bill . . . or is it the ten dollar bill?

Ms. BEBBBB: I think it’s the three dollar bill.sexy reporter

Grump: Whatever, babe (he throws her a wink).

Crotchhair: I was thinking of different sorts of weapons. Let’s see . . . can’t be firearms because I don’t know how to use them. ‘Can’t be knives because I can just barely use a steak knife. How about if we wrestle? I was good at wrestling at my exclusive prep school . . .

arm wrestlingGrump: Wrestling it is! Are you talking arm wrestling or the real thing?

Crotchhair: I’m referring to Greco-Roman wrestling!wrestling

Grump: Greco? Doesn’t that have something to do with those stupid Greeks who are going broke because of all that welfare in that country? Jesus! Those asinine jerks are making my stock market investments hit the celler!

adult diaperAt this point in this duel of words, the program switches to a commercial for Poop-No-More, a popular adult diaper among Baggers. When thebagger programming returns and for the last ten minutes of the show, the regularly scheduled broadcast is cancelled and audience is treated to a rerun of Phox’s very own America’s Favorite Violent Home Videos. As the program fades out to a commercial, we see a man–identified as a Bagger–pointing a gun at another man walking a poodle. It seems the Bagger brandishing the weapon didn’t like poodles . . . a favorite companion of liberals and progressive . . . and gay men . . . or so he thinks.