Scene: In the basement of the Capital building in Raleigh, a group of very well-known and powerful politicians and influential citizens are seated around a table large enough to accommodate those present. The meeting was called hurriedly because of the immediate, negative reactions from all over America concerning newly-passed laws discriminating against transgendered individuals. All present were especially concerned about the financial implications of treating transgendered people like blacks were treated in the state just fifty years ago. We join the meeting in progress . . .
Jimmy Tate: We don’t need no Yankee businesses withdrawin’ jobs from our state! We got plenty in the Carolinas, you know, like tourist stuff, fishin’ . . . that sort of stuff.
Benny Lee: Are you nuts? This is the modern age of technology. If Microhard, Yaboo, an’ a big bank don’t want to come down here, we’re screwed! I think we should just kinda’ not act on that there law and keep quite ‘bout the whole thing, everyone will just forget about it. You know ‘bout the ‘tension span of the typical ‘Merican; it ain’t all that great.
Ida May: I got a better idea. What we do is actschly come up with a plan to deal with this thing. You know, tell the whole, wide world that what we’re a’gonna’ do is station officers or maybe even civilians who would work for free outside’a every gulldern restroom to check who sees comin’ in an’ comin’ out. Sure as Dixie we gonna’ find a shoot load’a folks who’d work for free to keep those queers from goin’ in to the right place!
Elmer: But how do we diff-wrench-ate which one is a man, which one is a woman an’ which one is a combo of those two?
Jimmy Tate: What if the woman looks like a man even though he or she got’a ID that says she’d born with a cunt ‘stead of a dick? ‘Scuse me, Ida May. I didn’t mean to use that kind’a language in front of a Southern lady like you.
Ida May: You ain’t said anythin’ I ain’t heard before. “Member! I own and operate a bunch of saloons. God! I hated back in ’64 when they let them darkies in my joints. You should’a seen my business go down after that happen.
Jimmy Tate: Back to the business at hand, if y’all don’t mind. This whole thing seems unworkable. By the way, anyone here have a queer of some kind in yer fam-ly?
Ida May: Not that I’d ‘mit to.
Elmer: I had a daughter who thought she was gay, but we sent her to one of those places that talks them into bein’ what God made them out to be from the beginnin’. Unfortunately, she committed sue-side shortly thereafter. I guess all you heard ‘bout that.
Benny Lee: I thought some nigger kilt her an’ got away. You mean what they said in the paper was untrue?
Elmer: Sure ‘nuff. My lawyer said we could not collect on her insurance if her death was listed as’a sue-side. Y’all know what kind of connections I got in this state. It was easy as hell to get the editor an’ chief o’ police to tell folks some darkie did it an’ they never found him.
Ida May: OK. Since y’all don’t seem to like my idea, what else can we do to keep them damn Yankees from makin’ fun of us an’ not come down here, spendin’ their money?
Elmer: Yep. That—‘scuse the term black lady–‘Terny General in that Muslim’s cab’nit is goin’ after us like a bass goin’ after a silver spoon lure.
Jimmy Tate: I don’t use no silver spoon. ‘Got better luck with live worms.
Elmer: Any who, we either got’a figure a way out’a this or come up with a plan that seems sort’a humane and won’t get the Feds a’comin’ down here issuin’ sup-peenas to us an’ such; an’ takin’ way our school money.
Benny Lee: Two of ‘em are direct decend-ants of the ones who persecuted the Scopes Monkey Trial in the 20’s. An’ you know how success-fil those guys were back then.
Elmer: Look Benny Lee, times are’a changin’ as the song from that Jew folk singer goes. This ain’t no Monkey Trial, even though some of those queers sure look like monkeys.
Ida May: It’s really spooky when you see a guy who’s surely a man with a five ‘clock shadow ‘n dressed up like he’s some sort’a girl.
Benny Lee: How come we never had’a deal with this here ‘sit-cha-ation before? I don’t ‘member no guys a’lookin’ an’a dressin’ like girls when I was a kid!
Ida May: They were there, my Momma told me, but they kep ‘em hidden in the closet like queers did a few years ago ‘till they got lib’rated.
Elmer: Do yuh think these creatures will b‘come liberated an’ all someday?
Jimmy Tate: Y’all know what’s really sickenin’? A lot of these queers act-schly got both tits an’a dick! They don’t know what the hell they are!
Elmer: Which brings us back to the ‘riginal question: What the hell do we do? We can’t let those lib-ral companies from the north withdraw from our state or not come down here at all ‘cause of this sich-a-way-shun.
Elmer: He lost, y’know.
Ida May: Well, ‘least he went down fightin’!
Elmer: I say we relent. Y’know, just let things be. Who the hell came up with this idea that this was’a problem in the first place? I don’t know anyone who was attacked by a trans . . . what do you call ‘em?
Benny Lee: I think you ‘fer to ‘em as transgenderfied or somethin’ like that.
Jimmy Tate: Can’t say as I do . . . but . . . but . . . my Momma told me once that Uncle Henry—a man of the highest order of manliness—was seen suckin’ the you-know-what of a guy over at the gas station’s shit house.
Ida May: Dis-gust-tin!
Elmer: More dis-gust-tin than one of those transwhatevers doing somethin’ immoral?
2013: “‘If a man has sexual relations with a man as one does with a woman, both of them have done what is detestable. They are to be put to death; their blood will be on their own heads.”
Elmer: Now, we can’t put to death a queer for doin’ queer stuff! This is the twenty-first cent-schry, y’all know.
Ida May: But God’s laws should still apply.
Ida May: I’ll take the fifth ‘mendment on that one if y’all don’t mind.
Elmer: We’re getting’ no-where here.
We leave the meeting as nothing has been decided on what to do about the law to be enacted in North Carolina which deals unmercifully with transgendered people in the state. It seems that Southern Hospitality doesn’t apply in this case, as it didn’t during the time of Jim Crow Laws. Possibly, we’ll have to wait for the evolutionary process to take place in the Confederate States before the citizens accept those unlike them as equals. But since there’s reluctance all throughout the South to teaching the evolutionary process in their schools, the future down there doesn’t look all that bright for the transgenderfied.